I Love Monologue

Hey, I'm just now going to bed, but I wanted to say that I hope you're safe and okay (alcohol can be dangerous❗️) This is going to be a pretty long text, but I think that if I don't say this now, I probably won't ever, and I'll be in this painful perennial cycle of wanting to say something and never actually saying it.
Principally, I just wanted to convey how incredible I think you are. You've said some very nice things to me, but I don't think I've ever done the same, though, and that's unfair. You have always impressed me with your courage, talent, capacity for empathy, the way people are inherently drawn to you, and probably-- above all else-- this innate sense of kindness in you. You're just... kind. That's a good thing, and whatever shit

I don't know if you knew how hard things were for me in high school, but they were. They were really fucking hard. Every girl that asked me out, every sloppy, drunken kiss with a girl that led somewhere, the kind of kiss that I had to awkwardly excuse myself from because I knew where it was going and I knew that I didn't want that. Every inquiry into why I had so many friends, so many successes academically, athletically, and professionally (I don't care what AP says, the oxford comma is important), but no girlfriend. What hurts more than anything is when I lapse back into it and remember what it was like. When I remember having stupid fucking unprotected sex in Ocean City because everyone else was, because everyone thought I couldn't. The hardest days are the ones where I remember sitting on the lumpy sofa bed that was in the condo at 3 in the morning, hot and wet from the rain, crying after everyone had already gone to bed, hating what I'd done, why I'd done it, so afraid that the feeling was never going to go away, that it was never going to get better.
Every nice guy I've met, telling them "No, I don't like guys," knowing that I do, not letting myself enjoy that because I'm too afraid. That, coupled with every other personal conflict I've had with family, finances, and just everything became so, so

My default for the longest time has been anger, and I think I was looking for someone to blame, and on rotation, sometimes that person was you. I could rattle on about how handsome and talented you are, but like I said earlier, you're a nice person, a kindhearted person, and you don't find that very often now, and it's more important than everything else. You really deserve whatever it is you want-- dancing, a successful career as a food critic (if that's serious), or doing whatever, more than anything, makes you happy.
If at any point we cross paths again, and who knows whether we will, I want to take you out. To a movie, dinner for you to review, whatever. And if you don't want to, know that I won't be mad, because you've already given me more than I could have wanted, more than I probably deserved.
One of my favorite poems (epistles to be technical) is Alexander Pope's "Eloisa to Abelard," particularly the lines "How happy is the blameless vestal's lot/ The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind/ Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned." In essence, it's all about how someone who doesn't dwell on the pain of the past experiences incomparable bliss, an "eternal sunshine." Not gonna lie, i first encountered it in the movie, but I grew to appreciate it more in Brit Lit. Whatever life holds for you, though, and whomever it is with, I hope that it is nothing but eternal