Racial Characteristics

AFRICANS

Racial Characteristics:

Probably not people at all. Probably some kind of monkey. They eat each other and worship bundles of sticks and mud. You can never remember the names of their countries, which have a new Main Nigger every half hour and too many snakes and bugs anyway. They eat those, too. They put bones in their noses and wear plants for clothes.

Good Points:

Don't feel pain the way we do.

Proper Forms of Address:

Jig, coon, fishmouth, soot-back, shitskin, boy.

ARABS

Racial Characteristics:

Wear bed sheets and put bags over their women's heads. They burp and fart during meals and wash themselves in sand. They bugger little boys and practice some stupid religion that they're trying to get all our Negroes to believe in. Disorderly cowards when they have to fight anyone else, they nonetheless quite courageously murder each other and chop off people's hands for littering. They plant bombs everywhere they go and own all the earth's oil, which is why you can't buy high-test if you're wearing a yarmulke. They hate Jews because Jews are the only people in the world with noses uglier than their own, and they're cornering the Cadillac market so that the Hebes will have to drive Buicks.

Good Points:

If they had any country clubs, they wouldn't let Jews in.

Proper Forms of Address:

Camel jockey, tent-head, soggy Arabian, desert Irish, gas-ass.

AUSTRALIANS

Racial Characteristics:

Violently loud alcoholic roughnecks whose idea of fun is to throw up on your car. The national sport is breaking furniture and the average daily consumption of beer in Sydney is ten and three quarters Imperial gallons for children under the age of nine. "Making a Shambles" is required study in the primary schools and all Australians are bilingual, speaking both English and Sheep. Possibly as a result of their country's being upside down, the local dialect has over 400 terms for vomit. These include "technicolor yawn" "talking to the toilet," "round-trip meal ticket," and "singing lunch." It is illegal to employ the aboriginal inhabitants as anything but toilets, and some of the peculiar forms of native wildlife have up to nine assholes. The recent destruction of Darwin by a hurricane was actually a cover story for the regrettable coincidence of paydays on three separate sheep stations.

Good Points:

Amusing zoos.

Proper Forms of Address:

Steady there, Cool off, For Christ's sake-not in the sink, Stay back, I've got a gun!