Personal Narrative

I walk up the cold steps. My heart beating hard, fast, feeling like it’s about to leap out of my chest.
I don’t want to be here, why am I here. I could turn around right now, GO! GO! GO! The thought goes through my head. Panic fleeing through every nerve in my body. My senses strain, every sensation increased tenfold.
The high tech buildings tower over me, shadows stretching out, engulfing the bare yard. The place was so big. The students stare at me, eyes burning holes in me. Feeling as though I am walking out of a courtroom after being accused murder. Footsteps echo as I walk, drumming down the long corridors. People surround me yet I have never felt more alone. Doors slam, the metallic scrape of lockers opening, voices chattering, running

The rest of the lesson passes as a blur, I try to concentrate but it seems to be made harder by the furious scribbling of pens around me. What could they possibly be writing?! I wouldn’t have a clue what the teacher was talking about and didn’t dare ask for help. Finally, after what seems like forever, the bell rings. Hastily I pack my books up with anticipation of getting away from this awful tension, even if only to step outside for 20 minutes. Its only recess, I still have so many long hours to come. I rush to grab my bag from my locker and shuffle slowly outside.
I gain some bravery and make my way towards a group of girls. There hair is knotty, unwashed and who knows what lives inside of it. Not the people that I would normally acquaint myself with but, not even the school rodents would turn me away.
I force the words out. My eyes weighed down, the tension not letting me face the beasts.
‘C..c..c ….can I sss sit with you” the words are out.
I want to run away. Block my ears. Not wanting to hear the

Something about it looked solid and comforting; maybe it would give me a little strength. I picked my way through the yard, edging my way scarcely around the packed quadrangle, coming to rest gratefully under the tree. Sitting alone I can no longer feel the pressures of the people around me, no longer feel the burn of their stares, hear the hostility in their whispers. I was drenched in relief. It was just me. Me and my emotions.
I felt like I was on the outside, staring in. thick glass separating me. It’s like a cage, surrounding me, moving forward with every step I take, keeping the barrier strong and real.
As I sit here by myself, I watch the girls walk by, playing with their hair giggling and discussing the flavour of the month. Wondering to myself if my barrier will ever melt away, if I’ll ever be like them, match strides with them, gossip and giggle with them. Their world felt a thousand miles away. I watch the boys dance across the courts oblivious to everything but the ball, the opposition, the pause, the jump, the release, the basket. I wish more than anything I could leave here for a second, loose myself in a game, let it absorb my attention, consume me. Would they ever let me join their team? Would I ever sit on the sidelines waiting for a turn? Again, it seems