Humorous Wedding Speech By Stephen King

"What's it gonna be tonight?"

"I'm feeling very murderous at the moment," I respond and watch as the darkness in my eyes mesmerizes her.

"Well, we should do something about that," her voice drips with malice, "Which weapon would you prefer to use?"

I contemplate my choices as I analyze every possible tactic, "The usual," I decide, grinning with morbid excitement.

A loud, familiar creaking erupts into the silence as I watch her open the cabinet door, knowingly locate the object, and place it gently into my hands. I stretch it out in front of my body, accustomed to the weight, and equip it for use.

A door suddenly slams shut and footsteps heard in the next room betray the intruder's inconspicuous presence.

"Perfect timing," I mutter under my breath as I turn toward the noise.

A

And, mom, you love horror movies. So, why do you have an issue with this one movie, that just so happens to be my favorite movie?"

Grief floods their faces and my mom reaches her arms out toward me motioning for a hug. I ignore her gesture asking for forgiveness and press play on the remote, as I move to sit in front of the TV, knowing they will sit next to me, with one on each side. My mom pulls me into a tight hug and I reciprocate it back, hoping she can feel every ounce of regret I have about my futile outburst.

BANG!

"Every time!" I cry out in frustration at the movie, "He's a sheriff! He should know better than to go to a sketchy house to talk to a sketchy person. Obviously, he's going to get murdered without anyone finding out!"

"Personally, I don't think she should have used a gun," my dad comments, "It's much too loud and draws unwanted attention."

BANG! BANG!