Shame is one of the most devastating emotions a human can experience. It limits your ability to achieve your full potential in all areas of life. His head is down, not looking anyone in the eye, because, “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t love or accept me.” (p. 55) Shame carries the belief that they are a bad person. It is not that bad things happened to them or they did bad things, but that they are a bad person. He might hear voices in his head telling him how bad he is. “Such sexual disgrace connects to the very core of the masculine soul.” (p. 56) The author discuses three types of sexual shame.
Sexual Performance Shame
In today’s society, not able to get or maintain an erection is a real problem with men. This can lead a man to thinking he is not a good lover if he has this problem, therefore feeling inadequate and shamed. Who does he talk to, his doctor, pastor, or friend? He feels isolated. Another issue is that of premature ejaculation. Not being able to last longer for the enjoyment of the spouse can bring the feeling of shame and inadequacy. The third issue that brings shame is not being able to bring your spouse to orgasm. Some men attach their “manliness” to being able to do it. “Some men take this personally and feel sexually inadequate when they experience orgasm but discover their wife needs a different form of stimulation.” (p. 57) The final issue is one of anatomy. Since junior-high, fun has been made of the size of his penis. This shame can be deep rooted. Although he satisfies his wife and receives praise, he still feels less of a man. Some men have tried implants and other enhancements because they cannot accept the way God made their body. This shame can inhibit him from God’s sex...
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...s the strength of shame.” (p. 71) Confession for men may be difficult because they want to be perceived as smart and successful. Remember, we are human, not a god. We all make mistakes and fail on our journey in life. The author gives a list of to whom you can talk. To develop courage it may be helpful to use the symbolic two chair approach and practice what you are going to say.
Be Proactive – Weiss suggests some action plans on page 72-73. Some of the plans are, go to a doctor, read a book on your issues, see a professional counselor, or regularly practice with your wife the techniques recommended.
Don’t do the things you know will cause you shame. Have a lifestyle that honors God, others, and yourself. Engage in building positive self-esteem. “If you do commit a less-than-wonderful act, talk about it as soon as possible so shame can’t grow.” (p. 73)
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