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When I was little I hated getting dressed up for holidays, parties, or any other kind of occasion. My mom would buy me these dresses and insist that I wore them. I started refusing to wear them and would not go anywhere if I had to. I went to a catholic school for a little while where it was required for me to wear a dress. Eventually my mother had to transfer me to public school because I was refusing to go. I preferred to hang out with my brother and the other boys on our street and play sports with them like football and hockey. I just identified with boys more and felt more like myself when I would hang out with them. I would get my clothes from the boys section and would always keep my hair very short. I remember hating Christmas because I would never get anything I asked for. I would get Barbie dolls and makeup, while my brother would get everything that I was asking for. At the age of thirteen my breasts started to develop and I hated them. I would wrap my chest up with an ace bandage to make them less noticeable. I didn’t want anyone to see them and I didn’t want them to be there.
I am not good at maintaining relationships. I never know where I stand in many relationships and what my role is. I have very few friends and I have never had a romantic relationship with anyone. I tend to stay to myself and don’t go out to many social events. I tend to stay at home and keep to myself. My parents were worried about me and sent me to see a therapist. After seeing him a few times he diagnosed me with Gender Identity Disorder.
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I have been thinking lately about transitioning to a male. This decision is going to be the hardest and most important decision I will ever have to make. There is a lot that goes into it and many different aspects to it. There is coming out and letting people know that I am male, changing my gender role, changing my name and even surgeries and hormone therapy. The hormone therapy will cause things such as deepening of my voice, growth of facial hair, redistribution of fat and a few other things. I also have the option of a mastectomy and a hysterectomy.
Part of me is sure that I want to do at least some of these changes and another part of me is completely terrified. I feel as if I have to choose between my own happiness, or that of my family’s. I am confused and lost. I feel trapped in a body that isn’t mine and I feel like I am trying to fit into a role that isn’t me. I just don’t know how to cope with all of this stress. Acting and dressing like a boy does not help with my stress at all. It just makes me realize how much I want to be male and how much I hate having to be female.
My parents try to be supportive of me, but I can tell that they are confused and upset. Sometimes they blame themselves and wonder what they did wrong. I feel like I am a disappointment to them. I wish I could help them understand, but I don’t know how to explain it to them. This is just who I am and I want them to be able to accept that. I really want to go through with this. I think this is the only way that I am going to be happy. I just hope that I don’t lose my family in the process. They may not ever understand, but if they love me for me, then I think they can grow to accept my transition.