First, when moving into the premarital stage of family development, it is important that we begin to align our values with the Word of God and His will for our lives. We do this by considering what we desire in a mate, weighing our prospective spouse during the courting phase against the truths of the scripture, and ultimately discerning what God would have for us in a companion, as we submit to His leading. One aspect of spousal selection that should be kept in mind is the evidence of mutual interdependency. In other words, can the dyad remain unified, yet retain differentiation in the relationship?
Personally, I have experienced a marriage relationship where my spouse’s lack of security caused her to feel threatened when I played music. Admittedly, music was a huge part of my identity and when I succumbed to her insecurities and ceased from doing it, a prodigious share of my differentiated self was relinquished. This behavior then caused me to attack her artistic endeavors and ultimately brought forth a relationship experience where we both felt threatened and insecure. It was the scriptural proclamation, “bad company corrupt...
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...ss, and right relationship placing God as supreme authority, with the husband and wife as leader and fellow help mate in a state of differentiated complementarity. Even though the scriptures tell us that “all things are possible” with God—declaring His ability to accomplish anything—He still needs people who are willing to cooperate and work with Him to attain the marital unity and permanence that we both desire.
One aspect of working towards a healing instead of hurting behavior, is letting go of fault finding. Admittedly, it is easy blame someone else for our problems and general dissatisfaction with life. In fact, that was one of the first responses in the Garden of Eden. Adam wanted to blame Eve for their transgression, even though he took a bit of the fruit. In other words, she didn’t hold him down and force it down his throat; he willingly took of the fruit.
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