Personal Narrative: Why I Love Pro Wrestling

I’ve recently become a huge fan of pro wrestling, if only ironically. The melodramatic promos, the ridiculous moves, the muscular men few Divas that don’t make my penis retract into my body. They’re all reasons why I love pro wrestling… at least, I did for a while… It all started when my friend and I rented WWE 2K14 for the PS3. We were expecting total garbage, but the game was amazing. There’s just something so satisfying and fun about that game. A big part of the fun was creating retarded characters in the “Create-A-Superstar” mode. In addition, the “30 Years of Wrestlemania” provided a lot of big laughs (the interviews from the first 6 years or so are spectacular) and some memorable matches (my favorite is the one where Stone Cold passed

Hart hit the Hulkster with a quick ringbell shot, but the Hulkster was unfazed. Stone Cold threw the Hitman out of the ring, then hit him with the same bell that was meant to bust the Hulkster’s head open. The Hitman was, in fact, busted wide open, and Steve Austin hit him with a Sharpshooter, refusing to let go until the Hitman passed out. Steve then beat him with a bat a few times, then threw his body into the crowd, where he was taken back to the lair of a legion of cultist fans and never seen again. With two faces to one heel, the Giant was visibly worried about the match. Suddenly, about twenty wrestlers entered the ring simultaneously. Stone Cold tried to hit Kofi Kingston with the quick stunner, but Kofi jumped over him and hit him with his best Jackie Chan moves. Stone Cold was turned into a gold statue immediately upon impact. The Ultimate Warrior swung the statue around, crushing Kofi, as well as Shawn Michaels and Edge. Eventually, the torque was too much, and the Warrior lost both his arms. Don’t worry; they grew back in a matter of

The few remaining wrestlers, the noteworthy ones being Ricky Steamboat and Rey Mysterio, knew what was coming. Ricky turned into a dragon and fled the stadium. Meanwhile, Rey put both his hands straight in the air, lifting off the ground and slowly accelerating towards the heavens. The Hulkster pointed to the few living crowd members, and began what is traditionally known in weeb circles as the “Super Saiyan Shout.” Hogan stood the Giant up, got him locked in, then hit with a ferocious body slam. An explosion of unprecedented size destroyed the arena, and it was a few minutes before the smoke cleared. Although the arena was but a crater, as was all of Earth, the Hulkster stood in the wreckage. He was the WWE champion, if only because everybody else on Earth was