Tannen’s You Just Don’t Understand

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Tannen’s (1990) book, “You Just Don’t Understand,” explains heterogeneous facts about men and women’s communication styles. Tannen says once these gender differences are sorted out, men and women can recognize and understand how to confront real conflicts, rather than fighting styles. When men and women learn to accept the opposite sex’s conversational styles, they can learn to understand a shared language—where there is symmetry and negotiation of conflicts.

It is important to recognize that these linguistic differences between men and women do not stem solely from what Tannen (1990) describes as “cross-cultural communication.”

There are very apparent differences in speaking styles; for example, women tend to offer suggestions and give reasons, whereas men tend to give demands without reasons. However, the root of communication conflicts is really the result of the opposite natures of male and female. It is the nature of men to be dominant, and it is the nature of women to be submissive; any revolt against these natures, will cause conflict amongst men and women. Tannen says, “If a man experiences life as a fight for freedom, he is naturally inclined to resist attempts to control him and determine his behavior”(p.152). Since male and female “natures” influence behavior and conversational styles, they play more of a significant role in communication than we may think; and evidence of this dates clear back to creation.

The book of Genesis clearly defines God’s purpose for creating man and woman; God said man (created in the likeness of God) is to have dominion over all the earth and every living creature. Woman (created from man) is to multiply and be a companion for man. God intended there to be orderliness, which is why He designed men and women with very specific biological and psychological differences. These differences distinguish natures and determine male and female behaviors (Genesis 1:1-24).

Men and women must not confuse “nature” with behavior; although nature influences behavior, men and women have “free-will” and must choose how they will act within these natures. Just because a man tends to be aggressive, does not mean that it is acceptable for him to punch someone’s lights out. In other words, men and women must not make “nature” the excuse for poor behavior.

The story of Adam and Eve describes the distinction between “free-will” and nature. As the story goes, Satan weakens Eve with wisdom and then tricks her into eating from the tree of life.

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