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Alex Martinez Martinez 1 Mr. Chapel English Composition I 12/11/15
The Tale of Two
In the short story “Sex, Lies and Conversation” by Deborah Tannen, men and women are compared as if they have two different mind sets when it comes to communication. Tannen uses a tone of confusion and curiosity to make sure the reader is in fact aware of how men and women really feel about how each of them talk. I believe that women and men have a different view of the word communication. Men don’t think much of it but, women believe that if they communicate and tell one another everything the relationship between both will be more stable and trustworthy.
One of the examples that Tannen really brought up was at the beginning of the story.
There was a small gathering with both men and women
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Tannen commented to the man and said “Women frequently complain that their husbands don’t talk to them.” After that was said the man told everyone there that his wife is the talkative one. When they are home she is always keeping the conversation going. He also said that if she didn’t they would just sit in silence. Tannen was referring to the fact that women don’t like to talk in big crowds for the main fact they don’t want that much attention brought upon them. On the other side men love attention and when they have a chance to shine they go for it. That’s one way men see communication different. Men communicate to others to brag to an extent and tell their stories. Women keep quiet and content to themselves till the right opportunity comes for them to speak their mind. Normally that person they want to speak their mind to is the husband.
Martinez #2
Tannen’s research over why women tell the husband that he doesn’t listen or pay attention to her is quite conclusive. Tannen say men don’t want to listen because of the alpha mindset men have. They feel as if they are being talked down upon like a dog or a
Tannen claims that men carefully choose their words to persuade women into doing as they want and need. Women give in too easily.
As the story begins, the character of the husband has a negative personality. He lacks compassion, is narrow-minded, and is jealous of his wife’s friendship with a blind man named Robert. His constantly complains that “a blind man in my house was not something [he looked] forward to” (362). The close outside friendship between the narrator’s wife and Robert provokes his insecurities. This friendship has lasted for ten years and during those years, they have exchanged countless tapes regarding experiences they have gone through. Because of this, her husband feels “she [has] told him everything or it so it seemed” (363) about their relationship.
Viorst opens her article by explaining social lies. She describes these as lies to avoid hurt, such as lying to a cousin by pretending to enjoy dinner. Judith believes they are necessary and acceptable; without them, relationships would be icky and short. By being honest and not telling white lies a person can come off harsh. Furthermore, Viorst thinks that not telling social lies is arrogant.
Tannen states "Granted, women have Lower status than men in our society" rendering that Tannen knows about how today 's society sees women as the role follows the males. Tannen also describes the method on how women communicate is indirect while males are more direct. The significance of this is how Tannen later mentions an island of Madagascar
Communications generally occur in body languages: how the individuals interpret each other. Her essay is an event that is reoccurring more and more lately. The event results in a failure in marriage. In today’s society more and more people are splitting up or having divorces due to miscommunications. The essay, “Sex, Lies and Conversation,” that Deborah Tannen wrote is much use of today because it explains where miscommunications happen and she has her own studies and research to back it up. The essay goes into depth about her ideologies that cause miscommunications. Look at a miscommunication twice and do not be quick to judge because it will save plenty of
but to 'be'. In the next line she begins to give you an idea about why
Deborah Tannen is the author of the book You Just Don't Understand where she analyzes the different meanings of communication between men and women. Her research shows that women and men use the same words and phrases and yet can interpret and react to those same words and phrases differently. Tannen compares the two sexes to find men use their conversation as a type of competition or to preserve their independence. For example, men talk about their knowledge regarding sports, cars, women, exc. Meanwhile, women try to foster intimacy through communication. For instance, women often talk and relate on a personal level. Throughout Tannen's book she uses "cross-cultural communication" to describe the differences between the language of men and women. Tannen observed that, "For males, conversation is the way you negotiate your status in the group and keep people from pushing you around; you use talk to preserve your independence. Females, on the other hand, use conversation to negotiate closeness and intimacy; talk is the essence of intimacy, so being best friends means sitting and talking. For boys, activities, doing things together, are central. Just sitting and talking is not an essential part of friendship. They're friends with the boys they do things with" (Tannen 95).
Women respond very well to tone and word choice, which Tannen uses to her advantage. She uses personal experience to relate with her more female audience. For example, in the criticism section she uses a scenario that occurred between a male and female editors. Tannen “appreciated her tentativeness” that she gave Tannen when wanting to cut out part of her story(301). In contrast to that her male editor gave her a much different response, saying “call me when you have something new to say”(301). By stating a scenario with two very different outcomes, she falls more bias to women. This is effective to her more female audience because it paints women in a positive light and paints the men in a very negative light. The obvious bias towards women can arguably hurt her more than it could help her. Tannen automatically outs her male audience at a very awkward side, and makes it impossible for them to feel sympathy towards her. This hurts Tannen’s opportunity for having a broad audience, but for what she wrote it for she is very effective. If we are simply talking about how effective it was for women then Tannen hit home with them. Tannen’s choice of using what men say is also very smart, and helps with her effectiveness. She heard a man say, that after working for two women he realized neither of them have a sense of humor(304). By using examples like these
Miscommunication is a struggle that lives within the world everyday. Being able to understand what another person is trying to convey is an essential part of the way humans interact with one another. When a message is not translated correctly from person to person conflict arises and heated battles rage within a relationship; whether it is a mother and daughter, or two quarreling lovers, or strangers upon the street. All humans are created differently, with diverse upbringings, perspectives, and mindsets. Particular forms of communications may mean different things to various people. When talking about the concept of miscommunications, one must also address the concept of communication itself.
Communication between males and females has always been somewhat complicated. Because we are arguing that males and females have different cultures we wanted to take a look at what some of these differences might be. According to our research the inherent differences between male and female culture are the different roles that society holds for them and the ways these roles lead to different communication styles. The stereotypes that men and women grow up with affect the types of ways in which they communicate. We first wanted to take a look at how they specifically differ while men and women are arguing or having normal conversations. We also looked at the different types of networks that men and women share. These networks also differ and as do the reasonings for their formation. Although we do not think that men and women need to change their cultures to effectively communicate, we do think that better communication is possible. One of the researchers we took a look at was Deborah Tannen. According to Tannen the reason that men and women do not communicate well is that men and women use language differently. Women take the attitude that conversation is to explore solutions to common problems while men concern themselves more with getting information and hard data from conversation. Tannen states that what women look for in communication is human connection, while men consider status to be most important. They are looking for independence and are constantly looking for higher accomplishments. Intimacy threatens this independence, so men have a tendency to avoid it. One of the old sayings about women is that they talk more than men. It turns out that it is not necessarily true. Women seem to talk more in private conversations than do men. Women do not generally have a fear of intimacy and therefore are much more open with one another during private conversations. It is more difficult for women to use this type of communication style in the public arena. In that case it is men that do most of the talking. Tannen ultimately argues that men use communication as a weapon. They use long explanations to command attention from who it is they are speaking to. They use it to convey information and to ultimately gain agreement. Tannen suggests that through even simple conversation men are continually protecting their status. She sugg...
In the introduction of Deborah Tannen’s “Conversation Style: Talking on the Job”, she compares and contrasts the ways men and women communicate. This reminds me of what I tell people that are struggling in their relationships. Women and men express themselves differently. Women think, but men act. If you can’t wrap your head around this, being in a relationship with anyone is going to be hard. Yet, this is such a basic way of looking at this issue. Not only are the genders vastly different, but each person relates to the world around them in a certain way. He or she also needs to be related to in a specific way. Looking at personalities and personal histories can give a better look at the way we communicate with each other. Tannen examines
...a meaningful communication to take place. In conclusion, there are differences between men and women that go beyond social nurture. These differences have their origin in their genes. The differences evident in men and women are translated in their behavior and communication. There are possibilities of these differences in their turn raising the problem of failing to understand one another because in a communication men and women have a different set of expectations from each other. It is essential to understand and appreciate these differences for a meaningful communication to take place.
Further evidence of communicative differences exist between men and women in various other social settings as well. Consider, for example, those individuals employed in customer service-related Jobs. While in JC Penny, I noticed that female customer service representatives were more apt to offer immediate friendly assistance than the male reps. Men are not as cocky nor as confident in this sort of situation; their eyes tend to dart around the area of the store while the eyes of a women remain focused upon the eyes of the customer. The men seem to communicate with a lot less smiles. Apparently they have to get past a certain “ice-breaking'; point before they will feel comfortable with a genuine look of happiness.
One of the most marked differences in language usage between men and women is purpose of talk. Tannen (1991) noted that women use talk to establish connections and maintain relationships. In other words, they seek for interdependence. In addition, women are likely to show similarity and match their experience with each other. On the other hand, men use talk to preserve their independence and maintain status. To achieve this, men use conversation to establish their knowledge and skill. They also hold centre stage by telling stories, joking or conveying information. For example,
Essentially, we are all different. We use language differently and interpret language differently. This is what we base our perceptions of others on, thus it is ultimately what dictates our interaction with others. The fact that men’s and women’s interaction differs because the two sexes generally interpret things differently is not a strange phenomenon, because we are all different.