Pilar: An Outsider

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separated from her heritage, and has become an outsider in Cuba, further placing her in the category of an outsider and ‘other’.
It is also through Celia that Pilar is able to maintain a connection to her homeland. She mentions how she communicates with Celia in Cuba saying “Abuela Celia and I write to each other sometimes, but mostly I hear her speaking to me at night before I fall asleep” (Garcia, 28). She goes on to mention how her grandmother “tells [Pilar] stories about her life and what the sea was like that day” (Garcia, 29). Suzzane Leonard notes that “Pilar’s longing for her birthplace originates in part from the knowledge of Cuba that her grandmother imparts” (Leonard, 193). This magical communication and understanding between the …show more content…

In the beginning of the novel Pilar is a punk music kind of girl. It is after she has purchased her own bass guitar, after she has decided to branch off from painting that her taste in music begins to shift. She recounts how her encounter in a record ship went, saying:
I’m browsing in the remainders bin outside a record shop on Amsterdam…In the last bin, I find an old Beny More album. Two of the cuts are scratched but I buy them anyway… When I thank [the clerk] in Spanish, he’s surprised and wants to chat. We talk about Celia Cruz and how she hasn’t changed a hair or a vocal note in forty years” (GARCIA, 197- 198).
This moving away from her usual taste in music and towards Cuban music, is a step in the bridging of her two halves. Furthermore she once again is able to talk to another person in her native language with ease. Yet she feels as if something inside of her is still “dried up” (Garcia, …show more content…

After completing this ritual, Pilar once again has the urge to go to Cuba and this time she succeeds in going, taking Lourdes with her. This return trip for Pilar is vital to do in order to understand who she is. Upon reaching Cuba Pilar realizes that the Cuba she remembers and the ones in her dreams is a reality that no longer exists. Katherine Payant writes that “Pilar had feared the ‘Cuba’ of her dreams might not exist, and not surprisingly, her fears are confirmed” (Payant, 171). Furthermore she claims that Pilar is “like many exiles who search for self by returning to the geographical space of the homeland” (Payant, 172). Pilar is able to understand that while her Cuban heritage is a part of her, she does not belong there. She says that “I love Havana, its noise and decay and painted ladyness. I could happily sit on one of those wrought-iron balconies for days… But sooner or later I’d have to return to New York. I know now it’s where I belong—not instead of here, but more than here. (Garcia, 235-236). She is able to come to turns with both pieces of her identity. She is not just one thing, she is both, and she finally understands her hybrid

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