Alfie Kohn's When a Parent's I Love You Means Do as I Say

662 Words2 Pages
bulb-icon

Recommended: Different ways environment can affect childrens development

I choose Alfie Kohn’s, “When a Parent’s “I Love You” Means “Do as I Say.” It goes into debate on whether parents should give their children conditional love. Since I’m a new parent I can totally understand the argument being made. There is no true set of guidelines when it comes to raising a child, if there were, it would be a lot easier. A psychologist, Carl Rogers, strongly believes that children should receive unconditional love from their parents and be loved for who they are and not for what they do (510). Kohn starts is article by stating Roger’s statement and proceeds throughout the rest by opposing that thought with information and research and gives the effects when it comes to conditional love.
What I get from this article is that when it comes to punishing a child holding your love back until they can corporate isn’t a great solution. Kohn uses two very well-known people, Phil McGraw and Jo Frost, to portray that the idea of using attention, praise and love towards a child should only be given when the child does what is expected. It reasons with the concept of parents thinking that punishing a child should be by giving and taking of their attention and affections towards a child in the hope that the child will act right only to receive approval from their parents. I’ve watched Jo Frost in the Supernanny and she makes it seem easy to completely change a child’s behavior by resorting to time out and isolation but what works for a handful of children won’t work for all. It’s a very debating topic for parents because there are pros and cons of conditional love.
According to one study that Kohn translated in his article was research collected by 100 random college students who had received conditional approval f...

... middle of paper ...

...y believe in punishing a child because there are lot of other steps to take that won’t result in long lasting consequences. Since becoming a parent myself I strongly believe we either take the path that our parents taught us or we learn from their mistakes only to improve our selves. We are all different so of course our methods of raising a child will be different but thinking about the outcomes and the effects should be everyone’s main concern. With taking less direct punishment and the removal of affections a child won’t have to look for help in others to make up for that unconditional love that they needed when it really mattered.

Works Cited

Kohn, Alfie. “When a Parent’s “I Love You” Means “Do as I Say”. The Bedford Guide for College Writers. 9th ed. Ed. X.J. Kennedy, Dorothy M. Kennedy, and Marcia F. Muth. Boston: Bedford/St. Martins, 2011. 509-512. Print.

Show More
Related

  • The Effects Of Discipline On Children

    1995 Words  | 4 Pages

    In today’s era, there are so many things that can interfere with how a parent is able to discipline their child. Discipline is a very thin line that can be surpassed without even knowing the harm that was done. There are many different ways a child can be disciplined such as by talking to them, taking away their favorite things, not allowing them free time, time outs, and sometimes even spanking. As children, everyone has experienced some type of discipline depending on the way parents decided to raise their children. Depending on what culture children were raised in can take part on the way parents decided to discipline their children. Parents have different beliefs on how their child should be disciplined. As parents, many are faced with

    Read More

  • Bell Hooks' Incorrect Stance On Punnishment

    547 Words  | 2 Pages

    Our society allows police, council officials, and other busy bodies dictate how parents should raise their children. A scolding, smack in the face, and a spanking on the butt are all forms of punishment. A punishment is a tool used by parents to discipline their children for misbehavior. Abuse is a commonly thrown around term that offers an inflated meaning to punishment. bell hooks states in her article that a parent cannot “love” if they are “abusive.” Care for individuals’ actions is love; if a child is not reprimanded for bad behavior then the parent is further being abusive. Each and every parent loves their child and to have people dictate on how to raise their child is acceptable to a point. bell hooks deals an absolute, which is any form of physical punishment is abuse.

    Read More

  • The Relationship Between Living In Sin By Adrienne Rich And Those Winter Sundays

    1981 Words  | 4 Pages

    This father not only provides for his son, but also goes above and beyond to cater to his wants as well. “When the rooms were warm, he’d call” (Hayden, 7) is an example of the many things this father does for his son. He wakes up early in the morning, starts a fire to warm the house, and then when the house is warm enough for comfort, he wakes the son. Despite all the father does for his son, “No one ever thanked him” (Hayden, 5). The love of a parent to a child is unconditional, however, in some situations there is no relationship between the two. In this case, the love this father has for his son endures an uneasy relationship. The son is very indifferent and unappreciative of the father and instead of the relationship suffering, the fathers love endures the emotional abuse and continues to care for him and accommodate to his happiness. As a father, he puts his son before himself and undergoes the

    Read More

  • The Glass Castle, Roaring Tigers, Anxious Choppers

    755 Words  | 2 Pages

    In order to be good parent, one must be supportive of their child’s goals, teach them morals and values, and take on the responsibility of being a good parents. Examples of these qualities are shown through the works The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, “My Papa’s Waltz” by Theodore Roethke, and “Roaring Tigers, Anxious Choppers” by Nancy Gibbs. These three works are written about families in which the parents sometimes are not good parents to their children.

    Read More

  • Analysis Of To A Daughter Leaving Home By Linda Pastan

    1095 Words  | 3 Pages

    There is a special bond between parents and children, but there is always uncertainty, whether it’s with the parents having to let go or the children, now adults, reminiscing on the times they had with their parents. The poem “To a Daughter Leaving Home” by Linda Pastan is a very emotional poem about what you can assume: a daughter leaving home. Then the poem “Alzheimer 's" by Kelly Cherry is about the poet’s father, a former professional musician who develops the disease. These are only two examples that show the ambivalence between the parents and the children.

    Read More

  • Comparing French Family And American Family

    1156 Words  | 3 Pages

    In My Father’s Glory, they like showing love by using body language or speak it out in a positive way. Kissing each other is one of the ways they use to show love. For example, Marcel’s mother always kisses his forehead, and he would always kiss his mother’s hand in return. This is one of the reasons that they can stay together for the whole summer without arguing. However, in We Bought a Zoo, the son and the father love each other but never tell. This makes me think about my family because I never hear “I love you” from my family. Sometime, the son’s misbehavior is for his father’s attention. “Dylan’s petulance is a generically adolescent” (Dargis). That is true. A teenage needs many attentions from parents, and they don’t know how to use a right way to express their feeling. Dylan need more care than other children since he lost his mother in a really young

    Read More

  • Why I am Not a Criminal Part II

    613 Words  | 2 Pages

    As a child, I spent a lot of time with my parents – especially my mother. While I was in elementary school she chose to dedicate an hour of her night to help me with my homework if I needed the assistance. There were plenty of times when I chose to spend time with her simply because I enjoyed he...

    Read More

  • Essay On The Difference Between Child Abuse And Discipline

    432 Words  | 1 Pages

    There is a difference between abuse and discipline and when this line is crossed, children cannot benefit from positively reinforced behavior. Neglect and abuse are not functions of discipline, and should never be used to punish your child. The point of disciplining children is to teach them right from wrong not to make them live in fear of making mistakes. Parents need to understand the fine line between abuse and discipline. Discipline should be positive reinforcement, it should be consistent, and it should be a learning opportunity for the child. Child abuse and neglect will affect the parent-child relationship, it will brutalize the parents, and can affect the child's life forever. It is important to positively reinforce good behavior and discipline to benefit both the children and the parents.

    Read More

  • Spanking Persuasive Speech

    481 Words  | 1 Pages

    You think that a child could trust their parents with anything but what if this isn’t something they would like to hear? So to avoid that, now you’re missing out on something that you might now even be upset over, but they can no longer trust you. When you spank a kid they’re not learning that what they did was right or wrong, they’re learning that now they have to be sneakier or that they can practice such behavior only when the parent that does the punishing is not around. So there is not real correction of behavior occurring. This may also effect the kinds of relationships the child gets into for example, abusive ones thinking that the hitting is coming out of love or quite frankly they’re not good enough for anything better than what they have, otherwise known as low self-esteem. When you’re angry you wish someone would understand you so why not talk to your child and try to understand what it is that is making them feel upset. When you are young you don’t know what other way to get attention or to be played with or touched but to cry. You wouldn’t hit a toddler if they drew on the wall because they didn’t know any better, yet. Taking that a child might be smaller that’s the only way they know how to express that they don’t like something due to their most obvious lack of experience. This may also cause a child to not know handle different

    Read More

  • Persuasive Essay On Disciporal Punishment

    996 Words  | 2 Pages

    It is effective in a way that children would know how to manage their own behavior to a certain situation, and they may know what is right and wrong. If ever the punishment has gone beyond discipline and turned out to violence, the child’s capability of doing the things that he/she does could be discriminated nor humiliated. The frequent use of punishment may disengage into acting younger. According to Lodhi & Siddiqui (2014), corporal punishment leave scars in the memories of children which are unforgettable and unhealed. The child’s development of anti-social behavior may possibly occur. Lowering of self-esteem can be a factor leading to a child’s perception that he/she is a bad person. Punishment involves a negative experience for the child that occurs after they have done a certain action, which the adult condemns. (Lodhi, M.S., & Siddiqui, J.A.,

    Read More

  • Parenting Styles

    1912 Words  | 4 Pages

    Mattanah, J.F. (2005). Authoritative parenting and the encouragement of children's autonomy. In P.A. Cowan et al. (Eds.), The family context of parenting in elementary school. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

    Read More

  • The Differences Between Dorian Solot’s and Stephanie Coontz’s Essays

    1619 Words  | 4 Pages

    Solot, Dorian. “On Not Saying ‘I do.’” The Contemporary Reader. Ed. Gary Goshgarian. 10th edition. Boston: Longman, 2011. 490-492. Print.

    Read More

  • Obedience: Submit or Defy

    1721 Words  | 4 Pages

    Milgram, Stanley. “The Perils of Obedience.” Writing and Reading for ACP Composition. Ed. Thomas E. Leahey and Christine R. Farris. New York, New York. Pearson, 2009.258-263. Print.

    Read More

  • Unconditional Positive Self Esteem

    1062 Words  | 3 Pages

    “Young adult children who had more nurturing parents tend to have higher implicit self-esteem” (Kaplan 427). Setting up a respecting and nurturing home where no matter what the child’s actions may be they are still accepted is extremely important. A loving home is welcoming and makes a friendly and mutually respected atmosphere where self-esteem can prosper. A Household that involves unconditional positive regard is very important. Unconditional positive regard is a concept introduced by Carl Rogers “it refers to the therapist communicating unqualified love and acceptance of the client, regardless of whether or not the therapist approves of the client 's specific actions” (Reis 1657). Using unconditional positive regard allows children to be loved not for their actions but for them being themselves. When children know they can be themselves it allows their self-esteem to grow in a positive manor because they will not fear rejection from acting in a certain manor. Even though parenting and therapy is very different they are both support groups and share similar guidelines for supporting the patient or child. Rogers’s notions on unconditional positive regard interested researchers and theorist to make simple guidelines for parenting. The guidelines are as follows:

    Read More

  • Argumentative Essay On Child Punishment

    1685 Words  | 4 Pages

    Has your child ever misbehaved in a store? Have they ever thrown a fit because they didn’t get what they wanted? Did they have a tantrum because they didn’t like the decision you made? Have you ever wanted to spank your child for misbehaving? Well, maybe you shouldn’t spank your child as a punishment. Studies show that when you spank your kid repeatedly, it can have negative effects on them. Facts also show that spanking your child isn’t only harming the child, but it could be harming the parent as well. Parents shouldn’t spank their kids or use corporal punishment as a punishment. The reason for this is because capital punishment affects children’s learning in a negative way, it affects areas of the child’s brain causing violence, and capital

    Read More

More about Alfie Kohn's When a Parent's I Love You Means Do as I Say

Open Document