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Hidden Meaning: A Poem Analysis
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Sitting on the bed. Legs crossed. Trance-like state. Staring at the wallet. Spreading them out. Organizing them. Staring at them. Staring at them. Staring at them. Ears ringing. Moving without knowing it. Hands shaking. Picking one up. Staring. Can’t look. Closing my eyes. Taking it. Sipping water. Swallowing. Opening my eyes. Repeat. One by one. Can’t think about it. Keep going. One by one. Keep going. None left. None left. Finishing final notes. Sending her my goodbye. Finally telling her I love her. Already hazy. Nothing is real. My eyes close. Nothing is real. I’m sorry. Goodbye
No one thought I’d survive it. I did. A crazy amount of opiates mixed with barbiturates; I planned and planned. Waking up in a daze, unable to talk, unable to walk, everything shaking. Blood pressure too low to take a sample, drifting in and out of consciousness. On breathing machines, ready to be intubated at any minute, mother and father watching their child die; I remember none of it.
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The years and years and years of overwhelming anxiety. The isolation, the apathy, the learned numbness. Experimenting with restricting and purging, self harm. Avoiding schoolwork for years, starting to fail all my classes after being told I was ‘way too advanced to ever get a B’. Staring at my homework, staring at my homework, staring at my homework, going numb and wanting to scream because I couldn’t do it. Maybe I knew the material, maybe I didn’t, I couldn’t do it and I didn’t know why, my parents didn’t know why, no one knew why, why, why all of this was happening to
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