Creative Writing- Humorous Journey through Hell

I awoke to the sound of the wind. No, it couldn’t be, no wind on earth could create such a terrible din! It was like a cassette recording of the roar of a lion, only copied and re-recorded several million times. The sound was dappled with occasional grinds and shrieks, too, which caused me to wince whenever they reached my ears. Curious, I pried my eyes open and turned my head to the left. I nearly jumped sky-high in the air, for through the jungle mist I spied a vacuum cleaner. It awkwardly rolled back and forth, smoke emanating from the underside. The user of this decrepit machine soon appeared. Stumbling disjointedly through the undergrowth was a little old man. His appearance was no more impressive than that of his appliance. It appeared as if his business suit (if you could even call it that now) was made of a myriad of rips and shreds. I quickly dove behind a boulder, hoping to remain unnoticed. As the vacuum’s painful cries drew nearer, I took a careful peek over the enormous stone. For the first time, I could see his face clearly. It seemed so familiar, and yet, I hadn’t the faintest memory of who this raggedy old man was. My thoughts were interrupted by his voice.

“Don’t be scared, Joe, I’ve come to show you your destiny,” he said. The sound of his voice brought forward a memory. That’s it! He was the host on those old Oreck vacuum cleaner infomercials! But what was he doing in the middle of the jungle? Then I wondered, what was I doing in the middle of the jungle? I decided to deal with the situation at hand.

“I kind of want to wait until I figure out my destiny… to figure out my destiny,” I replied raising an eyebrow, “That’s usually how it goes, isn’t it?”

“Just follow me, you’ll be fine,” he assured me. Feeling...

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... they have none,” my guide explained solemnly.

“But, where’s the devil?” I asked, confused.

“Relax, Satan was just created to scare people into being good.”

“Okay, that makes sense, I guess,” my eyes widened, “How do we get back out? Will God come and pick us up or something?”

“That won’t be necessary,” Mr. Oreck said in a really awesome, badass kind of way.

“What?”

“I have been God for years, but I have grown old. You are God now. Try it.” I thought about floating, and we began to float. The sorrowful souls below began to get smaller and smaller. Astonished, I implored,

“This is pretty cool, I guess. Are there frozen pizzas in Heaven? How about ice cream? Can I smite people? Or maybe re-introduce dinosaurs?”

Below, the tortured celebrities sobbed on, paying no attention to the two figures and a vacuum, slowly vanishing into the limitless white above.