Revision Stratigies By
Kara LaMar
English Composition
Richard LeMons
7/24/2015
In the letter to the college adminitstrators, the students’ wrote a letter urgeing the school not to make community service a requirement. The student had many valid point’s on why this should not happen,while the paper had a strong introduction,and a good overall argument there are many mistake with syntax ,and sentence structure. To be taken seriously by the administrative staff, the student needs to consider revising the letter.In the following paragraphs I will be discussing what mistakes I found and make some suggetions of what should have been written, to give the letter more flow.
Overall the letter had valid points but just need to have better sentnce structure.There where many fragmented sentence’s,for example; the student wrote”We aren’t obligated to
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Community service will not work for the student body due to the reasons’ I have mentioned. With changing words a and the sentence structure it will sound more adult like,and not confrontational.Administrators will not become defensive,the student’s will get their point across,and maybe they will give more consideration to not having the community service
The effect community service has on both the school and the student are, in most cases, negative, strictly because of the ‘forced’ aspect of it. Students should not have to feel enslaved when trying to pass high school, especially since many other school districts do not have a
Proffesors Comments: You composed a fine paper, so most of my effort has been spent in suggesting style improvements. The opening is strong, the development logical and consistent, the examples well chosen.
This school should not require 100 hours of community service as a graduation requirement because of the busy lives of teenagers, the pressure of graduation, and loss of enthusiasm for community service. Schools should encourage community service but this is not the way to do it.
The style in which it is written is another interesting aspect of the letter. The words used and the forms in which they are used are different from what we are used to seeing today. I found that when I was reading the letter I had to read it very slowly and over a few times. The letter is written in a very formal business-like manner, and that adds even another aspect to confuse a student. I personally, and I would assume most students my age have had little or no experience in the business world and with formal writing and reading. It is a different and many times difficult thing for me and others to deal with.
Imagine a typical teen, they have a job, homework, sports, and other extracurriculars. They don’t get home till late at night and they are exhausted. This teen can take much more and thankfully they are about to graduate, but wait the school wants them to fit in one hundred of community service into that schedule in order to graduate. How on earth is this busey teen suppose to do that with all that they have going on? Students should not have to do one hundred hours of community service to graduate high school.
I am writing this letter to make a complaint about the students of Edison Job Corps and how their action are affecting the student body. The choices some of the students make it affect all the other student we all got to pay the consequences just because of one person and it just not fair. For example, during lunch some students will have lunch and just don’t how to clean after themselves and everyone has to pay for the simplest mistake. Students will purposely leave their cups and plates on the cafeteria table so when these student do this it just make the entire student have to eat bag lunches. Also, students bring the cups outside of the caf. Then, they break them or just throw them away. We all suffer when they take money out of our pay
“On the community side: the student provides some meaningful service (work), that meets a need or goal that is defined by a community. On the campus side: the service provided by the student flows from and into the course objective, is integrated into the course by means of assignments that require some form of reflection on the service in light for course objectives, and the assignment is assessed and evaluated accordingly” (p. 5).
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The very first time I read the topic of the essay, it reminded me of a movie I watched when I was around 13. “When someone does you a big favour don’t pay it back, pay it forward” is what little Trevor says in the movie “Pay it forward”. Being at the age of 13 I took it as a lesson of life and it gave me additional incentives to help who the most needed me. Most of the times I received the satisfaction of seeing a smile in the face of someone else, and half of the times I was let down realizing that I was just used by someone else. But I decided not to care; I wanted to do something that would have changed that conservative community I lived in.
Mandating community service for high school graduation was the best idea anyone could ever invent. Its a very useful, promising, and beneficial experience that every teen should want to be a part of. Volunteering gives people a sense of fulfilment, and the joy of knowing that so many people need help and being able to be that person to render those services make a better person. Community service should not be a burden for any teenager, but a special gift being giving to the community by a special individual. Community service should be a mandatory high school graduation requirement because it builds ones character, limits the rate of teenage delinquency, and establishes a path for a better future as an individual.
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