Dear Daddy

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Dear Daddy,

I am really not quite sure where to begin. Over the past eight years I have thought of a million things I'd like to say to you, but due to the finality of death, I had to let them slip from my mind. Now that I am finally writing to you, I find myself tongue tied and timid, like when I was little and we went to Disney world and I finally got to meet Mickey Mouse. Remember? I was so excited all day long waiting, to go to meet him, chattering on and on, but when the big moment came, I became shy, hiding half behind you, bashful of Mickey. Now I find it is with you, who used to keep me safe, that I'm shy.

Maybe some explanation of the past eight years is in order. I finished up Middle School in Lenox and went to High School there too. I enjoyed it for the most part, at least looking back now. Some of it, though, was absolute hell. I know you've never experienced being a teenage girl, but let me tell you, moving during seventh grade was horrible. It was especially dismal considering the circumstances under which I came to Lenox. Your death was hard enough to bear, but leaving Auburn, my home, my base, immediately thereafter made it almost unbearable. All the kids I had developed good friendships with, who could support me through this time: gone. Not only did I have no friends for support, I did not have anyone at Lenox whom I felt I could trust. Your death was such a violation of trust it made me scared to trust anyone again. So, I kept quiet, kept my head down, tried to draw as little attention as I could to myself, which is hard while being "the new girl" at a very small school. After a time, though, people just got bored with me and I was left to my own devices. However, since it is nearly impossible for a 13-y...

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...to my dream school, and I have a boyfriend who treats me so well. He wants me to be happy and does everything he can to ensure that. He is driving up to Ithaca on Christmas Eve just so he can see me on Christmas Day. While I still miss you, I am happy with the way my life in Lenox went and I am happy with my life at Brown. I have been so lucky to have so many good people around me to help me first smile and then trust again. For a long time I felt really guilty about being happy with my life in Lenox. I felt as though being glad to be in Lenox was in some way also celebrating your death. I think, though, you wouldn't have wanted your death to be the end of my life. And it hasn't. What I went through to get here wasn't great but I don't think that I would want to change it because in the end the bad experiences are so outnumbered by the good ones.

Love,

Tamsen

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