A Monologue From The Handmaid's Tale

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Listen up you bastards because I'm about to tell you a story about a bunch of the phoniest bastards you've ever met. I'm a disfigured rye bread man because some moron decided to make me smaller than every other man or women rye bread being. Boy, it about killed me that I was so much smaller than everyone else. An upside to this disaster was that I was decorated real nice by that baker lady. The best thing is, she decorated me with this real nice red hunting hat. A big disaster occurred to me when I was one. My mom was killed by one of those moron human beings. She was trying to run away as fast she could, but she was holding onto me. She quickly had to make a decision. She made the decision to quickly throw me to one of her best friends. Her …show more content…

I ran as fast as I could not looking back to see if I was being chased by hungry bastards. Boy this whole running thing just about killed me. An eagle swooped down and landed right in front of me telling me to follow him. He seemed like a decent fellow so I decided what could it hurt, and so I did. I ran, and ran after him, but just about killed myself because of my stupid smoking habit. I smoke about two packs a day, so right now my breathing is not the best. When I lost my mother I started getting into some trouble, and ever since then smoking and drinking have been a daily habit of mine. When it comes to running I don't usually run, so usually I don’t have a problem with breathing. Soon we came by a pasture with a cow grazing in the filed. This cow was such a bastard because he told me to come over to him just so he could smell me. Which is so creepy. He was such a phony. I know a pervert when I see one, and I swear to God he was the worst one that I’d seen. Well, that is until we met the goddam …show more content…

The eagle said we needed to cross the stream, but I had no idea how I was going to manage going across without crumbling to bits. All of a sudden, a raccoon popped up out of the grass and offered to give me a ride across the stream. I was not feeling too trusting of the raccoon, but I had no other choice so I climbed onto his tail. I question him to see if he knew where the ducks went in the winter, but the bastard ignored me and started on our journey across the stream. He made me climb onto his back because I was getting too heavy. If he knew I was going to be heavy why didn't the moron have me go on his back in the first place? A cigarette would be a lot of help, but so would alcohol too because I was for sure getting real nervous about this phony raccoon. I don't think this bastard knows what he is doing. We started sinking more and more and he made me climb onto his nose, which let me tell ya made me goddam nervous as hell. As soon as I did, the damn phony bastard tossed me up in the air and almost ate me! Thank god the eagle swooped in at just the right moment, boy if she would have been a second late I would've been a goner. I'm not afraid of death or anything, I mean it happens all the time. I actually tend to think about death quite frequently, but I figured getting eaten by a moron raccoon was a helluva way to go. Boy was I thankful the eagle saved

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