“The whole goddamn business of what you’re calling intimacy bugs the hell out of me. I never know what you women mean when you talk about it. Karen complains that I don’t talk to her, but it’s not talk she wants, it’s some other damn thing, only I don’t know what the hell it is!” This quote from a man interviewed by Lillian Rubin is the perfect example of the differences in communication between men and women. These differences in communication methods of women and men are born of a complex interaction between society and the individual. Men seem to struggle with intimacy and emotional expression, while women rely on this type of communication causing much struggle between the sexes.
Lillian Rubin suggests that intimacy, a form of communication between men and women, itself is an ambiguous or difficult term to define, but asserts that it does embody the idea of the ability to put away a public persona and be cared about or care for the “real person”. This alludes to a struggle between the human need for intimacy and that for independence suggested by other sociologists. In addition to this idea of intimacy, Rubin looks deeper into the human psyche and analyzes the different ways in which men and women communicate their emotions. Rubin explains that while women can easily explain what emotions they are feeling and what has caused these, men struggle to verbalize their feelings and this causes animosities between men and women. Women want men to communicate their emotions while men don’t understand why they should or how to go about doing this (Rubin, p. 384-386).
Rubin’s explanation for the differences in communication is that it stems from societal pressures that encourage men to suppress their emotions, and act “rationally”. Men are socialized to believe that acting emotionally like women is not normal. She states that “this is the single most dispiriting dilemma between women and men.” Finally Rubin goes on to suggest that while men can act out anger and frustration inside the family, the expression of fear, dependency, or sadness would expose vulnerability, and is difficult for men to do (Rubin p. 383-388).
Another Sociologist, Deborah Tannon, has done research in the differences between communication methods of women and men. She also suggests that conflicting ideas of intimacy and independence plays a critical role in the differing views of communication.
We all have a certain way of communicating that seems evident and natural to us, so we can be shocked, frustrated, or even sadden when someone misinterprets us. Interacting with other people is part of our daily lives, yet men and women have different styles of communication and behavior. Some of the major differences between men and women are how they express emotion, affection or intimacy, and communication. Women tend to be more emotional and express more affection, whereas men are far less emotional and express less affection. Women regard intimacy as talking face-to-face; however, men regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Women tend to ask more questions when communicating while men ask fewer or no questions at all. These
Deborah Tannen has achieved scholarly and public praise for her conclusions about how women and men differ in conversational styles. You Just Don’t Understand[6] clarifies stylistic differences in how the two sexes communicate with each other.
Petersen, J.C. (2007). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications
David Grazian’s study builds on Quinn’s research on men and women's interactions and Grazian finds similar results as Quinn did in her study. In the study of Grazian the performance of both men and women was driven by both genders trying to prove that they are as the audience (society) says they should be. Society has men believing that all women want only one type of man, a masculine man and society has woman believing that men want women who are quite, pretty and live to make their man happy. Both parties in both studies have been fooled by society and they don’t realize or understand
White, Valerie. "Sex talk." The Humanist Sept.-Oct. 2012: 5. Opposing Viewpoints in Context. Web. 18 Mar. 2014.
Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don't Understand : Women And Men In Conversation / Deborah Tannen. n.p.: New York : Morrow, c1990., 1990. Valdosta State University GIL Catalog. Web. 3 Mar. 2014.
Communications generally occur in body languages: how the individuals interpret each other. Her essay is an event that is reoccurring more and more lately. The event results in a failure in marriage. In today’s society more and more people are splitting up or having divorces due to miscommunications. The essay, “Sex, Lies and Conversation,” that Deborah Tannen wrote is much use of today because it explains where miscommunications happen and she has her own studies and research to back it up. The essay goes into depth about her ideologies that cause miscommunications. Look at a miscommunication twice and do not be quick to judge because it will save plenty of
In her article “But What Do You Mean” Deborah Tannen, claims that there is a huge difference in the style of communicating between men and women. Tannen breaks these down into seven different categories; apologies, criticism, thank-yous, fighting, praise, complaints, and jokes. With each of these she compares men to women by explaining the common misconceptions that each of the genders do. The different style of communication can cause some problems at the workplace and even affect the environment. The different styles of communication has been around forever and almost becomes a “ritual”(299). Tannen is effective with mainly women and not men. She is primarily successful with women due to the fact that her tone targets women, also the organization
Tannen believes that men and women are cross cultural when it comes to conversation. While analyzing basic conversation, Tannen primarily focuses on married couples and marriage, in general. Whether implied or not, Tannen fails to deliver enough credible scientific research to inform the audience of her opinions and viewpoints. Tannen begins her argument explaining a personal experience with a married couple which she invited to a group meeting that she held. Tannen uses this dependable experience to confirm that American men talk more than women in public, and usually talk less at home. Tannen uses the word “crystallizes”, to display the accuracy of her research through this personal discovery. Tannen states, “This episode crystallizes the irony that although American men tend to talk more than women in public situations, they often talk less at home” (239). Tannen presents research as if a female is the only gender to, “crave communication” in a relationship, giving no background information to support this theory. Deborah Tannen gives numerous personal accounts of issues married couples seem to have, but hardly giving actual scientific
Further evidence of communicative differences exist between men and women in various other social settings as well. Consider, for example, those individuals employed in customer service-related Jobs. While in JC Penny, I noticed that female customer service representatives were more apt to offer immediate friendly assistance than the male reps. Men are not as cocky nor as confident in this sort of situation; their eyes tend to dart around the area of the store while the eyes of a women remain focused upon the eyes of the customer. The men seem to communicate with a lot less smiles. Apparently they have to get past a certain “ice-breaking'; point before they will feel comfortable with a genuine look of happiness.
Deborah Tannen’s case study entitled “Can’t We Talk?” is the most relevant reading that I have ever done for any class. It relates to a problem that every person regardless of age, race or sex, will have to face many times in his or her lifetime. The problem is that men and women communicate differently and these differences can often lead to conflict. This case study is very informative because it helps to clarify the thought process of each sex. That said this reading leaves the reader somewhat unfulfilled because Tannen does not offer a solution to the problem.
Reis, H. T. & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.),
...ind this to be a typical male trait. Our surveys and research found however, that these types of traits are normally associated with men within the business world. Through our research, we found that in a male dominated society, adapt to the male styles of communication. As we have previously stated, the styles of communication between genders differ greatly. Men tend to use conversation to obtain data whereas women use conversation to create connections. Through our research, we also came up with some solutions for bridging the communication gaps between males and females. To reduce miscommunication, males and females must learn to interpret the messages being sent to them. They must learn to understand the speakers' motives and background. In effective communication, one must realize the experiences of the speaker and listener, and work to create a common understanding of the messages being created. Males should try to understand the female need for connection whereas females need to understand the male need for data. If the two cultures can learn to combine their styles by offering information while creating a connection, the male and female communication gap will be bridged.
...a meaningful communication to take place. In conclusion, there are differences between men and women that go beyond social nurture. These differences have their origin in their genes. The differences evident in men and women are translated in their behavior and communication. There are possibilities of these differences in their turn raising the problem of failing to understand one another because in a communication men and women have a different set of expectations from each other. It is essential to understand and appreciate these differences for a meaningful communication to take place.
Tannen, D. (2007). You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. New York, NY: Harper.