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Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen - My name is Steve and this is my partner in crime, Scot. We are the best men today, famed for our double act. Some people may even say we were artists, but I think you'll all realize what kind of artists we are later on this evening.
Now, I’d like to think that Gary chose Scott and me to be joint best men so that we could both be by his side on his wedding day. However, Scott reckons Gary only picked us for the wedding photos. Me, so he'd look slimmer, and Scott, so he'd look taller.
But in actual fact, it was the bride’s idea to appoint two best men. She thought one person wouldn’t be enough to ensure Gary got to the church on time, smartly dressed and sober. Well, it certainly took more than one person to haul him away from his mini bar last night.
It is customary for the best man to retell an embarrassing tale or two from the bridegroom’s past. As Gary’s oldest friend, this part of the speech fell to me. However, I had two problems with this. Firstly, Gary originally insisted on vetting the speech, which would have meant me going to the trouble of preparing two speeches. Luckily, he relented. Secondly, Gary is the original Mr. Nice Guy and it's very difficult to think of anything bad to say about him. So, back to you Steve!
I have known Gary a much shorter time than Scot, as you may be able to guess from my youthful good looks and boyish charm. And since I didn't know Gary at school, I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his education. From this, I gathered that Gary was an exceptionally gifted student and he excelled in almost everything he did, be it sports, academics or the arts, and he left school to the great sadness of his headmaster
Well, I did go to school with Gary and I can tell you that’s rubbish. I remember him to be a rather obese, annoying little pupil who excelled at nothing, was constantly picked on, and regularly beaten up – and this was just by the teachers. He most certainly wasn’t gifted at sports either. It didn’t matter what game we played, he was useless in every position.
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However, despite all this, he was accepted into further education by Westminster University - where it was only a short time before he made a dramatic impact. In fact, he managed this in just one evening. With only the help of a single bottle of whisky, he woke up to find a 2 foot letter 'M' in his room, whilst the rest of London woke to find a new seat of learning in the capital - 'The Royal College of usic'.
It also appears he made a dramatic impact when he started work. In his own words, ‘Before I joined the company, nothing used to get down around the place.’
Now, I’ve worked with Gary for the last five years and I’ll tell you, the only impact he’s made is on the coffee machine button! He drinks buckets of the stuff, although recently, he has started to cut back, as he was finding the coffee was keeping him awake for the rest of the day. The only other comment I’ll make about Gary at work is that he always arrives in late, but he makes up for it by leaving early.
I’ll end by saying that the hours spent in the beauty parlor getting the hair, make up and the nails just right have all paid off… Gary, you look beautiful! No, seriously, the bride looks radiant and the bridesmaids look beautiful too. Girls, I will of course be available for a dance later, but you will have to wait your turn! As there are two best men, Gary says we must dance with each other first before we can ask the bridesmaids for a turn – I’m not sure I like that rule.
Ladies and gentlemen, that’s all from us! Would you now please raise your glasses in a toast to the bride and groom. To Gary and Aimee!