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Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen - Today, I'd like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to a man who personifies intelligence, ambition, tact, generosity, and integrity. But it is John’s wedding so it's only fair that I talk about him as well.
Now, I only met John a few years ago at university, meaning that I’ve had to rely on him perhaps more than I would have liked to get the details of his past. But apparently, the young John Cervoni was an exceptionally gifted child. After publishing his first novel at 15, John tells me that his English teacher was left in tears when he opted for the Sciences at A Level. He then reluctantly turned down offers from Harvard and Stanford, in order to study at that other great beacon of learning – State University. But between leaving school and going to State, where I met John, I can only assume that something far too terrible to enquire about must have happened to transform him into the mediocre bum that I know.
While at State U. John spent so much time skipping lectures they almost changed his degree to home economics. And when he left, his head of department gave him this reference: ‘Any company who gets Mr. Cervoni to work for them will be very lucky indeed’. So not surprisingly, John has done absolutely nothing to help with the planning of this wedding. At one stage, Melissa got so desperate for help she had me search him for a socket. She wondered if maybe she had to plug him in.
Believe it or not, I wasn’t John’s only friend at university.
John developed a close relationship with an African exchange student, named Chimaka. Their relationship was close in the sense that John admired Chimaka’s essay writing abilities and John was kindly always on hand to help Chimaka tidy up his written English. Now Chimaka, who’s father was a tribal elder in Chimakaya and who’s village had donated money to send Chimaka to England, was rather shocked to find himself called into the Dean of Faculties office one morning to explain similarities in his essay to those of John. Two hours later, finding Chimaka on his doorstep threatening suicide, or murder, John's future skills as a salesman came into play. Quoting statistical probability, quantum mechanics and astrology with a straight face, John managed to save both university careers.
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"Humorous Wedding Speech for a Groom in Sales." 123HelpMe.com. 20 Jul 2018
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I mentioned John’s future lay in sales and for the last three years he’s been calling himself an independent salesman. I spoke to someone at his work and they confirmed this - he takes orders from no one. But he works almost everyday - almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday.
Now, what attracted Melissa to John? We know it can’t have been his exploits in the field of salesmanship. So could it have been his reputation as a rock guitarist? Well, I’ve seen John perform on several occasions at university so I speak with enough authority to rule that one out. More likely, it was his kind, thoughtful nature and his ability to make her feel special … that and his penthouse.
But it’s obvious what attracted John to Melissa. She is such a beautiful, witty, charming and thoughtful person. And when she agreed to marry John, it totally proved to me that old adage – opposites really do attract.
All kidding aside - congratulations, both of you. You make a great couple, and I want to wish you all the best. So good luck, and may your marriage be long, happy and blessed with everything good in life.
Ladies and gentlemen, to the bride and groom.