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Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen.
I must admit, I am more nervous about being best man than I was at my own wedding. Maybe it’s because I have been married a year and I know what Jonathan’s letting himself in for!
And on that happy occasion, as some of you know, Jonathan was my best man and he did a wonderful job. However Jonathan, there are many reasons why you should get married and I’m not sure if revenge is one of them. But, it is a great thrill and an honor, and Jonathan’s already agreed that I can do it again next time!
First of all, Pamela, you look radiant – absolutely stunning in that dress. Jonathan, you need a haircut! As I was walking behind him leaving the church this morning a funny thought occurred to me. From the back, it is very difficult to tell if Jonathan is a man who needs a haircut or a woman who just had one. When Jonathan was best man at my wedding he made a great deal of me having a mullet. Jonathan, I don’t think I have to say anything more about your present hairstyle other than at least mine had a name.
But he hasn’t always looked this way as you’re about to find out. When I first met him, at the age of fifteen, he was in the process of developing a 'Human League' style flick, which his sister Sally enhanced with a little coloring. The words 'Babe Magnet' do spring to mind – but not on this occasion. We soon became close and it was great to have someone to hang out with because being a teenager is never easy. Rejection is the worst thing. I know all about the humiliation of being turned away; from football teams for not being good enough, from pubs for not looking old enough and from women for not looking male enough. Yep, I’ve seen Jonathan do all those things, and he carried himself with dignity throughout.
After leaving school and between getting a job, Jonathan smartened himself up. But he suffered terribly from headaches during this period, he was going for the wet hair look and the toilet seat kept falling down. However, this new image seemed to completely contradict his emerging obsession with the electric guitar that was to keep him banging away in his bedroom until the small hours – or at least that’s what he told his mum.
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"Humorous Wedding Speech to a Groom with Long Hair." 123HelpMe.com. 20 Jul 2018
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As Jonathan got older, his hair got longer, his message got stronger and his persona became a sort of an amalgamation of Brian May and Kevin Keegan all rolled into one. Ironically, he shared Brian May’s soccer skills and Kevin Keegan’s musical ability.
But undeterred and in pursuit of stardom Jonathan eventually joined a three-piece band. And, six years later, they still only know the same three pieces. The peak of his musical career was a gig at the youth centre in Stevenage – a bit like the Cavern Club Jonathan assured us at the time. I watched the band with Jonathan’s father, who midway through the set turned to me and, with a face that looked like he was chewing a lemon, said: ‘Technically, he’s brilliant and never hits a bum note – it’s just a shame that he chooses to play such rubbish!’
On a sincere note, I’d like to say that Jonathan’s been a great friend to me over the last twelve years and there are many things I admire about him – just not perhaps his choice of hairstyles! He is the most level-headed man I know and, along with his generosity and determination, there is one other thing that stands out, and that is his appreciation of quality. And today, Jonathan, you’ve really surpassed yourself. You have found a lady of true quality in Pamela. It’s been an honor and a privilege to be your best man today, especially since you’ve already returned the same honor to me. But lets face it, I have even less friends than you.
Well, I better offer up the final toast as I know everyone’s looking forward to the disco starting, and with Jonathan’s diverse and varied musical taste they could be playing absolutely anything – by Dire Straights.
Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Jonathan and Pamela - the new Mr and Mrs Brewer.