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Sometimes I felt like I was trapped in a undersized room and someone
had thrown away the key, leaving me to die; old and lonely. However,
my trusty friend was always with me on depressing days like these,
most days actually. Vodka. It numbed my brain so I couldn’t think of
Sarah; it was like my sleeping pill as it was like fire water and
burned my throbbing throat as the acid rain fell from my eyes. Today
was my twenty-third birthday and I know what you’re thinking, I should
be happy. But wait there’s another important date tagged to it that I
just can’t seem to forget about, three years since my long term
girlfriend dumped me. I curled up in my bed, knees tucked tightly up
to my chest hugging my only friend who’d understand. My blood shot
eyes were stinging and watery. I fell into a drunken sleep thinking of
I remembered the first time we met. We were in a bar and she was
dancing like an angel on the dance floor laughing with her friends as
she caught my eye. I stood at a long pine bar with steel poles running
around the edge and all of the different spirits were lined up behind
it. I walked past her whilst making my way to the toilet when some
stupid person- I thought at the time but when I think about it now my
hero- knocked my drink out of my hands and it spilt all over her brand
new top! She found the funny side to it after swearing vigorously at
me. She bought me another drink and we talked for a while, she smelt
absolutely amazing- her favourite perfume, I bought it for her the
first Christmas we were together-, I insisted I paid for the dry
cleaners bill for her top but she just kept refusing, she was way too
generous. I really liked her and we exchanged numbers. We also
arranged to meet at the same time the following week as I got the
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For the next six days and 21 hours I sat next to the phone waiting for
her to call me, but the time never came until the day before our next
date, asking me where we were going so she knew what to wear. I told
her I wasn’t going to tell her where we were going as it was a
surprise and she mustn’t get too dressed up, just casual clothes would
do. But I did give her one clue she must wear warm clothes. We talked
for a while and then a left her baffled about where we were going.
The loud shrilling of the phone awoke me. I half opened my eyes and
shut them again as the blinding light forced me to. I became daring
and opened them fully trying to focus my blood shot drunken eyes and
after a long stretch and yawn rolled out of bed and crawled
effortlessly to the phone.
“Hello”, I mumbled.
“Hello”, said the voice in a clipped expressionless tone. “I used to
live in your flat before you and I was wondering if there was any post
for me because I haven’t really had time to change my addresses on
everything yet” the mysterious woman whispered politely.
“No I’m sorry there isn’t, but if any does come if you could give me
your number I would be more than happy to ring you if you would like”
“Thanks very much that would be great!” she laughed.
She gave me her name and number and I scribbled down her number
quickly on the back of the Thompson’s local with an old eyeliner I had
found last week behind my chest of drawers. Then the thought hit me,
what was I doing? Here was a woman I hadn’t even met before and she
had just reluctantly given me her number, that had never happened to
me before. I stumbled down the stairs when I had finished on the phone
just to check. There was nothing. Near the bottom of the pile there
was a postcard for me from my nana who lived in Brighton, it read
‘Happy Birthday love your Nana x x x’. It made me smile; at least
someone remembered the date.
I thought about Sarah whilst making some breakfast. Was she thinking
about me? About today? I figured I would never know.
Our first proper date was amazing! It felt like we just clicked. I
took her ice skating in Hyde Park as it was early December and they
had just opened an outdoor ice rink just for this year only. I picked
her up at 7.30. We met at a little undistinguished coffee shop and
ordered in scorching hot chocolates to warm us up before we left. I
still hadn’t told her where I was taking her but I noticed she had put
on her warm coat and scarf and gloves. The date was perfect and I was
quite proud of myself for choosing it, as it gave me an excuse to get
close to her without feeling nervous. We got to know almost everything
about each other which was weird because we had only known each other
a week and had only been on our first date. But our relationship was
special, very special.
I lay down on my tatty old sofa bed wrapping my icy blanket around my
bitter body shivering whilst trying to lock in the very little amount
of heat that had escaped from my body. I slowly warmed up and
treasured every tiny bit of heat my body could generate. I slowly
closed my eyes and drifted off into a restless sleep. I used to love
to dream when I was with Sarah. If I wasn’t dreaming I was lying awake
next to her watching her sleep thinking of how beautiful she was. Now
every dream was a nightmare.
The phone rang waking me up AGAIN!! I slipped out of bed not really
taking much notice of the soft white snow outside covering the ground
like a big white blanket. I answered it in a mono-tone voice.
“Hello”, I muttered
“Hi, sorry to bother you again. It’s me Becca, you know the girl who
used to live in your flat.” She explained.
“Oh, Becca hi no it’s no bother at all” I lied. “What seems to be the
problem?” I asked.
“Nothing I was just checking there wasn’t any post for me again that’s
all” She told me.
“No I’m sorry. Were you looking for anything in particular?” I
“Well yes actually. My divorce papers were supposed to be coming
through soon but they haven’t come here so I was wondering if they had
that address instead of this one” She assumed.
“No nothing has arrived here I’m afraid” I apologised. “But I will
keep my eye open for you if you like”.
I felt like I had known her for a long time it was a strange feeling
that I had never had for a long time. It felt like we had just bonded
like an actual friend.
The months passed and she phoned me more often, soon it was getting
every night and we were getting quite fond of each other. I knew
everything about her and she knew everything about me, I mean
everything, the whole obsessive story about Sarah and I knew the
reasons she was divorcing her husband. Night after night I tried to
build up the courage to asking her out, I decided tonight was the
I sat by the phone waiting for that promising ring. Time passed. I
waited and waited. It was ringing. I was ringing her, I waited, trying
to be patient, for her to answer.
“Hello, you have got through to Becca’s answering machine if you need
to leave a message…” The answering machine clicked on. I clicked off.
I would just ring her later. There was a knock at the door. But
mysteriously when I opened it there was no one there, but the rush of
Sarah’s perfume stormed past me, it made me think of when she last
came to see me -last week- I had chucked her out of my apartment as
she had tried to tell me I should get over her and stop moping around
and she didn’t realise the relationship was this serious. After she
had left I had smashed a few plates ripped up the picture of her that
used to hang on my wall. It still lay in small snow-like particles on
the floor. I thought nothing of it and closed the door. Next door had
been very loud today, maybe it was them trying to annoy me, although I
had heard a lot of banging from upstairs tool and at this time today
both of the couples above my head were at work, maybe someone was in
their apartment. My brain whizzed back and forth trying to think of
reasons behind the strange happenings, my body wasn’t having any of
it. Heading to the kitchen I smelt something, I knew I had smelt the
familiar smell before. Oh no! The pasta. I had put on to boil and it
was now bubbling and spilling all over the cooker. The fire alarms
called me. I pulled out the batteries; it was always going off these
days. Another knock at the door alarmed me. I stood rooted to the spot
not knowing exactly what my body was telling me to do. I slowly crept
over to the hollow wooden door and gripped my shaking hand around the
big brass doorknob. Opening it quickly it took me by surprise as
behind the door was a petite woman, dripping wet but still her smile
was touching both ears.
“Hi, it’s me, Becca.” She said laughing obviously seeing my confused
“Oh Hi Becca…” My eyes widened as I looked down seeing my scruffy old
jeans I had been wearing most of the week now and the campest shirt
you have ever seen that was covered with tomato sauce.
“Would you like to come in?” I managed
“Yes if you wouldn’t mind. There’s something I need to talk to you
about.” She explained.
She entered my small dingy flat and waited in the hall as I tried my
best to go around picking up old yogurt cartons and dirty plates off
the floor. I seemed to notice lots of tomato sauce stains on the
carpet. When she came in, to my surprise, her face glowed as she
“This brings back so many memories” She said, still smiling.
Her smile turned upside down as she saw the stains on my carpet and
the torn up picture of Sarah. Looking at me she said”What has
happened?” “What is on the floor? Is that who I think it is?”
Too many difficult questions fired at me at once made my head pound so
much I thought someone was pounding their strong foot against my
“I’ll just make us a cup of tea you look like you have just seen a
ghost” She whispered.
The doorknob caught my eye there was something on that too.
My hands were still behind my back and had been since she had walked
through the door. I brought them up in front of my face and my eyes
widened in disbelief as I saw the devils waters dripping thickly from
my hands. Screams echoed my small box like flat. I turned to see Becca
huffing and puffing in the doorway of my kitchen, 15 inch kitchen
knife in her hand. I ran past her confused at exactly what had
happened. There was Sarah lying on the floor she looked more beautiful
than she ever had. Laughing I looked at Becca but suddenly stopped as
my hand reached out to her to stop her from running. The knife plunged
deep inside the stomach. I have never felt so much hurt and pain.