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The joy of writing admissions essays! I think it's good that I do this, that I solidify my thoughts into writing. Yet in pouring my feelings into words, I worry that they will become the structure I give them; that my liquid essence will take the shape of whatever phrases I choose; that my thoughts will be defined by the words I use and confined to the rigid boundaries of a language unable to accommodate the fluidity of my mind; that they will be limited to one distinct avenue when a linear direction does not suffice to express these multi-variable musings. It is easier to float in the sea of my unarticulated thoughts than to build a language boat and sail on a definite course, but in allowing myself to drift at the whim of my mind's currents, I get nowhere.
In articulating myself, I create a solid manifestation to which I can look and say, "That's what I believe." I may not define my feelings poorly when I leave them unspoken, but in refusing to solidify what I believe I have nothing: nothing to share, nothing to grow on, nothing by which to determine who I am. And so I take the risk of losing the tantalizing and comforting mystery of the infinite by committing myself to write. It is better this way.
I carry this - this perplexing barrier between what I think and what I say, between who I am and who I define myself to be, between what I think I carry and what I actually do.
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