The New King

The New King

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In the kingdom of Tanktarta lived many a strange beast and mad priest.
They were ruled over by their wise and noble leader, The Brick.

Outside the kingdom, in the Black Castle lived the evil Dark Lord
Beryl, who was viciously jealous of the brick and the power he held,
but no one really took any notice of him.

Well everything in the kingdom was just peachy so The Bricks daughter,
Princess Jeremy Whelk, went for a walk around the kingdom. The
princess was a beautiful blonde, aged 18-22 who loved wearing slightly
revealing pink tops. She would have been even more beautiful had it
not been for her long black beard.

Meanwhile, back at The Bricks palace, a warning was read out to the
rest of the kingdom not to go too close to the Black Castle, for many
a naughty deed is done there. Unfortunately, at that time the princess
was pretty much at the gates of the Black Castle.

Whilst sniffing a rather yummy turnip she noticed a movement in a
nearby bush. As Jeremy moved closer, out jumped a little man dressed
in tweed.

'Hello Princess', squealed the man.

'Hi', said the princess.

'Uh…I'm taking a survey and would like to know what is your favourite
food?', asked the tweed wearing clad midget.

'Hmmm…' thought Jeremy 'I suppose I would have to say that I
absolutely love cabbage, yes, cabbage'.

'That's a bit of luck', said the man 'I've got loads of cabbages in my
castle, it's that black one over there', he pointed.

'Really?' asked Princess Whelk.

'Yes', answered the midget.

'Wow, let's go', shouted the princess.

'He he he', muttered the man.

Once inside the castle, the man, surprisingly, transformed into the
Dark Lord Beryl and let out an evil cackle.

'Now you are captured, you stupid bearded fool, and I can use you to
take over your fathers kingdom', explained Beryl.

'Bugger', said Jeremy 'Oh well, where are those cabbages?'

'There are none, it was a trick you fish, now I must send a message to

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the Brick, oh and throw you in the dungeon' cackled the Dark Lord.

'Bugger' said the princess, again.

A week later, damn postal service, the Brick read the letter. Well the
Brick didn't, as he is just a brick with a smiley face painted on. He
was chosen king by the previous ruler, Artimus the Down Right Silly.
The Bricks grand advisor, Dmitri Meatloaf, read it to him.

After hearing the terrible news, the Brick summoned the kingdoms
heroes, Mighty Durex with his Mighty Poking Stick of Justice, and

'The Brick would like you to retrieve the princess from the Black
Castle', explained Dmitri 'Oh and if you have time you could
mercilessly slaughter the Dark Lord, thank you'.

And with that Durex went off and formulated a plan, he would go to the
castle, enter somehow and free the princess, in some heroic way. Brian
went home to his bed and guitar.

After a good night's sleep Durex left his home with only the clothes
he wore and his trusty poking stick. Brian was still in bed cuddled up
next to his guitar.

A couple of miles down the road a forest appeared on one side. This
was no magical forest with wolves eating grannies and other crap; it
was just your average forest. As it came closer, or rather he got
closer to it, he thought he could hear a noise, a light squeaking. The
noise started to grow louder until suddenly 3 large men burst out of
the forest. They would have looked extremely fearsome, if their armour
hadn't been made out of pink glass.

'We are the Dark Riders' announced the apparent leader.

'Why are you riding pink tricycles with baskets on?' asked Durex.

'These are our noble steeds' yelled another Dark Rider.

'…And the pink glass armour?' said Durex

'I think it looks rather fetching' said the leader 'but enough talk,
we are sent by the Dark Lord to kill you'

As the trio sprang on Durex he noticed that Abba's 'Dancing Queen' was
coming, quietly from somewhere, but there was no time to wonder where.
Durex swung his poking stick at the small pink mass poking the first
rider in half.

'Nooooooo. Julian.' Shouted the third rider 'Now you shall p…'

Before he could finish he was cut short, by a couple of feet. The
final rider was quickly shredded to the consistency of dog food as he
sat cowering in a corner. Durex knew the riders' white flag was no
match for his nut poking stick.

He dusted himself off and looked at a job well done. As he leant on
his poking stick, munching on a carrot, a small green man with a
knobbly stick came out the forest. Like a little leprechaun he was, by
the name of Miss Thomas.

'Done well you have. Hmmm. Slaughtered many indeed' exclaimed the man.

Durex was taken back by the way the man spoke and he wondered if he
actually knew he was naked.

'I good hero they have found in you I see. Hmmm', said the naked

'Uh, thanks', said Durex after a little thought

'I give you this, a magical object, which will help you on your quest.
Hmmm' and he offered Durex a large package that he had concealed

'What is it?' asked Durex.

'Unorthodox Wings they are. Hmmm' answered he.

Unorthodox Wings are a pair of wings much like angel wings in
appearance, they attach to the buttocks of the user and give him
powers. Users can fly, create small and smelly tornadoes as well as
other miscellaneous powers.

'Thanks', said Durex as he put on his new wings

'Fly you must. To the castle. Hurry. Hmmm', and with that the man
shuffled away into the forest.

After a little practice Durex was flying well and was now well on his
way to the Black Castle to meet his destinyyyyyy………

At the castle Durex thought of a way to get inside and rescue the
princess. He didn't even try the front door as they are always locked
and guarded, he went round the back to the broken, unlocked screened
door that most evil castles have. He made his way quickly through the
darkness, following only his instincts and the neon signs giving
directions to the secret den and dungeon.

Durex saw the Dark Lord pacing up and down his dank den, in front of
the princess who was tied and gagged in the corner. Durex somersaulted
into the room, rolled across the floor, sprang up, whirled his poking
stick above his head and landed in a very heroic fighting stance known
as the smelly fish.

'Oh it's you', said Beryl, with a yawn

'Yes, tis I', said Durex, disappointed by the lack of reaction to his
dramatic entrance.

Beryl pulled out his deadly courgette and made for the hero, wailing
an ancient battle cry. Durex moved to the side, but cunningly left his
leg sticking out, sending the Dark Lord flying across the floor. Beryl
dragged himself up and threw himself at Durex only to have the heroes
two outstretched fingers shoved straight into his eyes. The Dark Lord
blindly thrust his weapon at Durex who dodged the blow with his mighty
nut poker and shredded the courgette to a measly garden salad. To add
insult, Durex walked over to the blinded Dark Lord and nutted him. Now
that Beryl was dazed it was time for the final maneuver. Durex turned
around, bent over and unleashed a smelly tornado, the likes of which
had never been seen. The Dark Lord was thrown against the back wall,
left unconscious and smelling slightly eggy.

With that, Durex went over to the princess, threw her over his
shoulder and heroically ran away. Knowing princesses as well as any
hero should, he was sure not to remove her gag.

Durex flew back to the Bricks kingdom with Jeremy Whelk in his arms.

He landed safely outside his home and looked out at the sky, thankful
his quest was over. But in the distance a darkness grew. A small patch
of blackness getting closer and closer. The Dark Lord, left for dead,
was in fact, not dead and had followed Durex back to the kingdom,
riding on a large black flying egg. Beryl landed near the house and
waved a sword, yes a real weapon, then strode towards Durex.

At that moment, Mighty Spermy the gnome, Durex' best bud and sidekick,
opened the door of the house right in the face of the Dark Lord,
knocking him out kinda like a cold turkey.

Spermy would have joined Durex on the quest, if he hadn't been
urgently needed elsewhere. Something to do with goats and offended
people on a train Spermy had said.

Spermy scratched his groin in greeting and said 'Hi!'

'Nice timing', said Durex as he sliced the Dark Lord into little bite
size pieces, the size of hula hoops.

'Well I'll be off again, my part has been played', Spermy went back in
the house with a deep sigh and a final pick of his nose.

Durex turned back to the princess to find she had vanished. In all the
confusion, Brian had got out of bed and pinched Jeremy Whelk. He took
her back to the Bricks palace and made up some story about how brave
and courageous he had been. The princess still hadn't been de-gagged
and so could say nothing.

Durex stormed into the palace to find Brian being showered with
praise, glory and kinda naked women.

'Dammit!' yelled Durex 'Those are my kinda naked women. I saved the

'Really', said Dmitri Meatloaf as he removed a bear from his large
facial bush.

'Yes', said Durex.

'Prove it', answered the advisor.

'And how exactly would I do that' asked the hero.

'The Brick says you must complete a challenge that only a true hero
could. You must fight the legendary slug of Agoo-goo', Dmitri told the
hero, 'You too Brian'.

'Piece of cake. This hero business is easy', said Brian, and the two
were led to the great arena. Just a little smaller than Zanzibar.

They stood side by side in the centre of the sandy arena, awaiting
possible doom. Thousands upon thousands of people were seated around
the arena staring in. Durex felt quite embarrassed.

'Killing a silly little slug shouldn't be too hard, eh?' whispered

'Hmmm you never know', said Durex as a great fanfare of trumpets went
up and the huge golden gate in front of them opened. There in the
entrance sat, a slug. Just an ordinary looking slug.

The heroes stood in wait. Half an hour later the slug had moved 2
inches, so they decided to go to it.

As they approached, Brian bent down to pick up the slug in mockery,
but as he did so it jumped up and bit his face off.

Ah, thought Durex, There it goes, and he backed away.

The slug flew at him, to the cheers of the crowd, but Durex dodged the
flying beast. He realised his large nut poker would be no use against
the tiny monster.

Thinking quickly, Durex kicked some sand into the slug's eyes and ran
to the far side of the arena. As he tried to come up with a plan he
removed his shoe, which had been causing him some discomfort. There,
to his delight, he found a cabbage lodged inside. Durex shredded the
cabbage with a spin of his mighty poker and made a trail of leaves
from the centre of the arena to a statue on the border, which he then
hid behind.

The slug munched the leaves and followed the trail to the statue. 2
days later he arrived, after Durex had tried to chew his own leg off
in hunger. As the slug finished the last leaf Durex jumped out and
trod on the notorious slug.

'You have accomplished the task', said Dmitri, appearing from no
where, 'Woohoohoo for you-hoo', he sang as he removed an elephant from
his large tash and ate it.

A great party was held in honour of Mighty Durex and the success of
his quest. Huge tables were laid with food, Queen's songs sang, people
danced, and there was much rejoicing.

Brian, who had survived the attack, was revealed as the cheating scum
that he was and often accused of supporting the scum (Ar…Ars…., Can't
say it) He was given a Michael Jackson make over and banished to

Afterwards there was a beautiful wedding ceremony between Mighty Durex
and Princess Jeremy Whelk. Beautiful, even though the apparently mad
priest randomly yelled out words in mid speech poo for example, or

Durex became the new king with Jeremy as his faithful queen, and, as
he sat with her looking out at the sunset he thought…….hang on a
minute……….I'm gay!
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