While there 's a story to tell, it 's suggested that the script undergo further development. The areas that would benefit from more development include the structure, pace, protagonist, and tension.
One of the first and major concerns about the script is the lack of a strong, leading protagonist. Every script requires a strong hero. In this current, presentation, it feels as if Flavia is the heroine. However, unfortunately, she doesn 't drive the storyline.
The script would benefit from a structure that clearly identifies Flavia as the heroine. Right, now it 's not until she verbalizes her need to be a respected author that one understands her goal. Her decision to write about the Holy spikes is a good story choice, but it needs to be clearer. After an initial prologue the story needs to center on Flavia in the first act. Right now, the script transitions from one character to another character, making it challenging to follow.
The prologue should simply be the taking of the Holy Nails. Then immediately transition to Flavia and establish her as the heroine that will drive the story. Quickly establish her ordinary world and her relationship with her father and then her need to be a respected writer. She has to find a good story. She finds the one about the holy nails. Her goal has to be clear by the end of act one.
Currently, Flavia is introduced around page 3, but then goes missing for several pages and is reintroduced o...
... middle of paper ...
...no sense of urgency. There are some scenes that feel overly violent, like cutting the genitalia of a baby (can 't be shown).
The professional presentation can be enhanced. Flavia and Holly feel like they are introduced twice. There are several spelling errors, including the word “cane” not “white can.” Some of the names of characters are spelled several different ways too. On page 33, the characters repeat the same lines of dialogue. The word princess is misspelled.
Only cap a name when first introduced. Avoid telling or explaining a character vs. showing. The only can only see what is on the screen or in dialogue. Saying Flavia is a man-eater in bed can 't be seen.
To sum up, there 's merit to the idea of finding the Holy Nails, but the script is impeded by the lack of a proactive hero and a challenging structure making it a very difficult plot to comprehend.
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