readily aggree that hamsters, girlbils, and mice provide an owner with
hours of amusement and years of companionship. Rabbits are fabulous
for those who are looking for a quiet playmate, while rats and ferrets
are hyperactive and surprisingly intelligent. Guinea pigs are another
very popular choice for a small pet. A website dedicated to guinea
pigs boasts on their front page that there is no question that "guinea
pigs make excellent pets [and are] docile, low maintenance, and
I strongly beg to differ, unless "docile" means "boring" and "low
maintenance" means that you only need to scoop up piggy pellet poop
every few minutes. Calling a guinea pig "unbelievably cute" is at,
very best, a far stretch. Their bodies are shaped like a packing tube,
fat through the middle and flat at both ends.
To anyone who is considering purchasing a guinea pig and is convinced
that no other rodent will do, I would urge them to go to a local
lumber yard and get themselves a lovely block of wood instead. I am
convinced that after weighing the positives and negatives, an ordinary
log would prove to be a far better pet than a guinea pig.
For the sake of specifics, let's assume that the common guinea pig is
being compared to a standard block of Northern Red Oak wood, commonly
used for firewood.
Consider first that very little is actually known about the history of
the guinea pig. No one is exactly sure where these creatures
originally came from, so their native habitat may have been a sandy
desert, a forrest, or mountain regions. This emptiness of information
regarding the species' past does no...
... middle of paper ...
...to a short attention span, the guinea pig may lose
interest in the poop before it has finished consuming (re-consuming?)
it, and drops it where they are standing, often in a high-traffic area
of a carpeted floor.
Although a pet wooden block has some similarity to the guinea pig in
that it naturally is very still, he makes no nerve-grinding cries for
attention and produces no waste product what-so-ever. This last fact
alone sends a wooden block soaring above a guinea pig in the contest
of who would make a better pet.
Compound all these painful piggy truths with the undeniable fact that,
even in apperance, a guinea pig is nothing more than a fur-covered log
with eyeballs, it leads to the question, "Well, what does the guinea
pig do that the block of wood doesn't do better?"
The answer, quite simply, is nothing.
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