I Remember Being Four Years Old And Daydreaming About Getting Hit By A Car

I Remember Being Four Years Old And Daydreaming About Getting Hit By A Car

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I remember being four years old and daydreaming about getting hit by a car. I would look at them in a hazy state as I waited to go into a restaurant or school and seemed to be drawn to the busy road. I thought about how it would look when I, little girl that I was, would wait out in the road and then how it would feel when it hit me head on, imagining most vividly the part where I would see my body going under the wheels of the car. These thoughts would scare me when I was not actively having them and I could not process with my young mind why I was envisioning throwing myself in front of moving vehicles. I have dealt with having mental illness as far back as I can remember having conscious memories. It has greatly affected my life in many ways and still does every day. I will discuss how it manifested when I was young, how I grew up with it and it was almost too much to handle, and how I am finally dealing with it now that I finally started to get help.
I knew I was different than other people but I could just never figure out the cause of my problem. My thoughts were extremely dark as a child. I would think about ways to kill myself like it was a game. Looking around me I would see random objects and think what would happen if I or someone else used them to kill me. For example, I was in first grade doing addition with a pencil one day and the thoughts started to take over. I envisioned my teacher coming over to my desk, taking the pencil and stabbing me in the skull with it and how I would fall over instantly dead, the blood turning my blond hair red and staining the carpet. I was not even sure what provoked me to have such thoughts, but they happened daily. I finally tried to tell my parents I was having trouble. I re...

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...lot about myself and how to live with my mental illness. I still struggle every day, but the thoughts are much easier to ignore and manage when I am getting help and have someone who is supportive of my progress.
Mental illness has dictated how I have lived much my life from the time I was young. From having suicidal thoughts from the time I could practically think to acting on those tendencies to end the pain later on, it has been a constant struggle. I had been alive for twenty years and attempted suicide over fifty times before I decided I wanted to live. Having someone who is supportive makes a world of difference. It has helped me learn to love myself and was a big factor in me deciding to get help. I still struggle with my will to live, but I look around me and see the hope and the beauty of the world and decide I want to stay a little longer each time.

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