Most of my memories were of a loud angry household. My most vivid childhood memories were of my mother screaming at me, calling me names, and putting me down. Occasionally, she would spank me. When she did, she would be so angry that she would lose control. When she would get angry with me, she would yell and call me names, purposely being hurtful. My childhood is filled with many memories. As long as I can remember my mother has been angry or depressed. Her temper was frequent and frightening and then the next day, we just “moved on”. My mother has never ever apologized for any wrongdoing on he...
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...fear and uncertainty. On my darker days, I still feel that twinge of envy. Today I speak to my mother only sometimes, and never in any great depth. There 's nothing below the surface that would be pleasant to explore.
Through a lot of struggle and experimentation I 've managed to mostly fill the space left behind by my relationship with her. I recognize the demons that drove her to a place of instability and anger because they rear their heads in my own life, and I must struggle every day not to go down that same path. It would be all too easy to become like her because the first picture, I saw of adult womanhood is the broken one she showed me. It scares me. I worry every day that I might be doomed to repeat her mistakes, and that I 'll end up just as unfulfilled and isolated as I grow older. I realize now that she was wrong, that I deserve better than she gave me.
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