My Father Wasted His Life - I Will Not

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My Father Wasted His Life - I Will Not

Why me? Nothing like this had ever even happened to me before. I was so shocked I could barely shed a tear. My life had been normal and uneventful and happy, and now it was turned upside down and I was lost. I remembered when I was a little kid and he would send me to my room for stealing those little sugar packets that were in a bowl hidden in the cupboard and eating them. I would get so mad and wish for him to disappear or die or leave and never come back. For some reason those thoughts were running through my head. Somehow I was trying to make myself believe that I was at fault and that I should have or could have done something to prevent what had just happened. I didn't know what to do. Was there anything I could do? Was this really true? How are we going to survive on my mom's paychecks alone? How will this affect my life? Then I saw them. They had just heard the news. They were screaming and crying. I wanted to scream and cry and give up and die, but I had to stay strong.

That was June 30, 2001. It is now October 24, 2002 and I still can't believe he's gone. Every morning when I wake up I walk out into the living room and expect to see him sitting in his chair reading a book, and every morning I feel a little twinge of pain when I realize he's not there. I don't think I will ever fully accept that he's gone but since his death I have accepted that it was not my fault. My father was an alcoholic and died of cirrhosis of the liver, an irreversible process that is the result of scar tissue replacing liver tissue due to extensive alcoholic consumption. The actual cirrhosis occurs when the liver contains too much scar tissue and suddenly stops functioning and the victim dies from internal bleeding and heart failure. Now that I look back I think I was trying to blame myself in order to protect my mom and my sister. I was trying to make it better for them because I knew they felt just as lifeless inside as I did. I wanted to be their strength, but it was so hard because I felt helpless and empty.

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