Just One Step

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The song purports to be about love—a breakup between lovers. However, we took it on as our own song about a tragic breakup of sisters. We changed some of the words (since it was ‘our’ song) and belted out the lyrics—some louder than others. I’ve been lost inside, empty space in my heart How it hurts me and how it’s tearin’ me apart And it just goes on and on. What if I didn’t want to say goodbye Couldn’t smile when inside we just wanna cry. When I hear your name Feel so cold deep inside Still it’s hard to explain, oh What your love meant to me They say time will heal the pain But it just goes on and on And it never fades away. What if I didn’t want to say goodbye Time can’t erase the reasons why Count my mistakes and the heartaches Since you went goodbye. Adam and I have talked on the phone about songs that have moved him since Lilly died. He came right out and told me that he couldn’t stop listening to James Taylor’s Fire and Rain. He explained to me that the first part of the song is about Taylor’s reaction to losing a friend to suicide; the second is about his psychological and physical pain; the third correlates to his recovery and recuperation. As I have read and re-read the lyrics, I think Adam may have been interpreting the mournful lyrics as his own loss and redemption. Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone. Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you. I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song, I just can't remember who to send it to. I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again. Won't you look down upon me, Jesus, You've got to help me m... ... middle of paper ... ...Is it the truth that will set me free? The ‘why’ is as annoying as a strand of hair that attaches to your shirt and, like a whisper, brushes ever so slightly against the back of your arm, irritating the hell out of you. However faint, it will drive you absolutely crazy until you find the irritating annoyance, identify it, and take care of it. It is in this moment that I reconfirm in my mind and heart that there is much more to what caused Lilly’s psychotic episode. Deep down I know I won’t let go of the plaguing ‘why’ until I confirm what I believe to be true about what triggered Lilly’s breakdown that lead to her suicide. I stand in my kitchen and watch the rain pelt against the 6th green across from our yard. As I look through the mad streaks of water, that are making their way down our window, I wipe my hand against the streaks of water on my frustrated face.

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