Identity

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Growing up in New Zealand, English became my third but most used language. I speak it at school and at home. Although I can communicate, I still often make mistakes. I have never experienced labeling or judging because of my English abilities or that I am Chinese. However, one incident influenced me when I was thirteen, in ways that I felt embarrassed and self conscious, but also taught me learning and friendship from others perceptions of me.

When embarrassment comes upon us, it is hard to shrug off or forget. I was highly embarrassed when my friends noticed that I pronounce `yeast' as `east' during our yeast study in science. I was thirteen, and my face went tomato red every time I had to say `yeast.' Redder, when people laughed. Though my friends did not deliberately make fun of me or remind me, I could not over come the feeling of humiliation. I thought they were looking down on me because of my poor English, or maybe because I am Chinese. However, they did not make me feel this way, all the time, I was over flooded by the feeling of embarrassment that made me felt awful but also more aware of myself.

As I become more aware of whom I am, I felt very self-conscious about being Chinese-New Zealander and made me confused. The `yeast' incident caused me more aware the way I speak and how people might think of me. To overcome this feeling, I actually avoided using the word `yeast'. Because I thought my English was bad, I also came to conclusion that people will start seeing me differently. Then, I also blamed that I am Chinese and I am different to my European friends. To not feel self-conscious I often avoided things or made up excuses. But I could not stop feeling aware of myself; this later led me to finding more Asian friends. It helped me to feel more common and secure yet with a diversity of friends, I have also learned from everyone.

As I move from feeling embarrassed, insecure, I was also learning at the same time. What I learned was not how to say `yeast', because I properly still say it as `east.' I learned that there are some things that I may not be good at but I can never let little things put me off. To learn something, I have to move on from mistakes and feelings.

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