I Am A Good Morning

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Good morning Andrew, I hope you are feeling better this week and that you have time to read this carefully. If you forget an email from me so easily, then I can imagine that you are going to forget about me in the fall semester since you will not see me. Maybe I should tell you to forget about me and then you will think about me more (ironic process theory/white bear problem). Whatever, you will forget about me anyway. As you might know, I have been too emotional this summer, but I finally convinced my doctor to put me back on medication. I told her that the physical and emotional pain was going to kill me anyway, so there was no use in protecting me from overdosing. I prefer to overwhelm myself in feelings than to be numb, but I think the world prefers me on medication. Anyway, if I have bothered you this summer or year, it is not because I 'm bored, it is because I am going through hell and I need you. When I get angry and start "snapping" at you, it is not because you did something wrong, it is because I am afraid of so many things. Let me apologize in advance if this email also sounds angry (I am not angry, I am afraid that you will not understand me). I feel as if I am trying to use words to communicate with the world, but the world doesn 't want to communicate with me; I am talking to myself. My mind is stuck in darkness and it hurts to know that I am not free because even when my day goes well, some kind of pain always comes back to remind me that I am not good enough. Something always tells me that I am a burden and I tend to believe that because nobody has told me that I am not. If I ask you questions it is not because I 'm bored or trying to waste your time, it is because I really need to know the answer. Sadly, y... ... middle of paper ... ...pond to my behavior with criticism and anger, but you don 't seem to do that. I don 't even know if you even get upset. I want to get an idea of what people think/feel when I push them away. 2. What concerns you? After so many emails of despair and awkward interactions there are things that you have concluded about me. I want to know if there might be a problem with the way I treat people or the way I think. You obviously worry about me and I want you to provide me with a reality check in case I am overlooking something. Trust me enough to tell me the truth from your perspective. I am willing to wait another month for you, but please use your calendar to remind you to reply. I believe that you are capable of answering my questions if you let your mind be free for a few minutes. Have some freedom, but don 't take the easy way out. Desiree Desiree Rodriguez

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