How To Get To School Without Saying The F Word

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Ingredients: Yourself and the city of New York

Please! Don’t scream too loud at the sunlight piercing your protesting eyes, torn from the throes of a trip in Rome. Monotonously say, “Yes Mom,” to the screaming she-devil dragging you out of bed. Place your feet on the cold floor and yelp. Scramble for your floppies; make sure they’re under the bed. No other place will do. You will now be forced to grope underneath the bed for this necessary accessory. Make sure your hand encounters something cold and slimy that you can’t identify. But please! DON’T SAY THE F WORD. Remember, Mom is watching.

Remove your hand, wipe on tissue and slowly make your way to the bathroom. Make sure it is occupied; hopefully by your brother but if he is not available, your sister will do. If it is your father, go back to your room and wait for either sibling. Once your brother or sister is in the bathroom, bang on the door at least twice. Repeat if desired. Have them stay inside for another five minutes, pace the hallway in impatience and wish to be an only child. You may also wish to die but this is quite drastic and not necessary.

Once the occupant leaves the bathroom, glare at them angrily and then stalk inside. Jump into the shower, turn the wrong knob so that cold water pours over your face. But please! DON’T SAY THE F WORD. Someone might be standing right outside. Make sure your shower is just long enough so that you have to skip breakfast. Emerge from your shower, don a towel and stare at yourself in the mirror. Complain about your looks, wallow in self-pity and begin to cry hysterically. Stop crying. Stare at yourself in the mirror, analyze your face. Say, “It could be worse.” Blame the media for your insecurities, and give yourself a pep talk. Try to brush your teeth without incident. Whistle a little, be happy. Don’t trip on the way out the bathroom.

Tip-toe on the cold, hard floor to your room where your little sister lies in ambush in the corner . She will dart out screaming and scare you to death, them run shrieking down the hallway. Please! DON’T SAY THE F WORD! Her young, impressionable mind does not need the profanity. Quickly grab the first T-shirt and jeans you find in the Everest of piles that is your clothing.

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