Groom's Wedding Speech - Humorous, but Not Offensive

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Groom's Wedding Speech - Humorous, but Not Offensive

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness a unique event in history - the very first and last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. It is a privilege and an honor to do so. I just hope that, so soon into our married life, I don't let her down.

Today has so far been a day beyond my wildest dreams. As a child, dreaming of my wedding day, I never dared imagine that I would end up marrying someone so intelligent, so witty, so popular, so gorgeous, and so altogether fantastic... (To his wife) Is this O.K. so far?

Ladies and gentlemen, it is apparently my job to do all the thankyous. The first and biggest thankyou is to all of you. Thank you all for choosing to share today with us. We are delighted and touched to see so many of you here. And thank you, of course, for all the wonderful gifts.

The father of the bride, on the other hand, who is picking up the bill for dinner, is completely distraught. When he saw the guest list with addresses in Ireland, Egypt, the U.S.A., Scotland, as well as the four corners of England, he was delighted, since he felt sure that most of you wouldn't make the effort to turn up. It's to his credit that during his speech you would never have guessed he is in fact a broke, or rather a broken, man.

On the subject of his speech I’d like to thank him for his kind words. I hope that, as his daughter's husband, I can live up to the image he painted of me or, failing that, at least continue to keep pulling the wool over his eyes!

We would also like to thank my wife's parents for all their efforts in organizing today. Their support has been invaluable, advice sound, and check-book largely available. I'd pe...

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...he end and I know that whatever the future holds we’ll live it happily together.

Of course this doesn't explain why it has taken us so long to get married. Well, outside church today, I was talking to one of her friends and she told me that, according to my wife, its all about maturity. She had asked my wife why we were getting married now, after all this time, and her response was this...

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out as grapes. It’s our job to stamp on them and then keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with..."

It is my eternal good fortune that my wife's taste in wine is cheap, unrefined, and immature.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you again for being here today, for the wonderful gifts, for your good wishes and most of all for your friendship now and in the future. Here's to a wonderful evening.
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