Going Home

The leaving was easier than she thought.

All those nights practising it in her head. Just wanted to look at the gardens,

so pretty in the spring. Just wanted to see the gardens. Except in the end

nobody asked. She simply put on the good blue dress, combed her hair and walked

down the corridors, taking care over those polished tiles, and pushed out

through the heavy double doors.

Outside. Out through the garden. Trying not to run but wanting to. Outside. Out

through the gates and here she is walking along the footpath looking at the

daffodils. Just like anybody else.

She breathes in the air. Sniffs it. Sucks it up and rolls it around in her mouth.

So different out here. Different even than in the garden. Sitting on those seats.

Sometimes she takes off her shoes. Rolls down her rights so that she can feel

good rough ground under her feet. She digs her toes in, and rubs her soles into

the earth. They say, look at that Jessy getting herself all dirty, Jessy you

naughty girl you'll get a chill. Time to go inside, girls.

ÐFunny that. Being called girl. Naughty naughty girls wetting themselves and

pinching. Quiet good girls slumped in the seats in the garden with their mouths

open. Waiting for it. Drinking in death.

Her voice shakes when she asks for two sections. She wants it far too much.

Practised that too in her head over and over in the nights. Listening to them in

the corridors. If Mary shits herself again tonight she can sleep in it.

Listening to the cries and the calling, I have to get home. I have to, the

children want their dinner. She sits in the bus away from the window. Afraid to

look out. Cars and people on the footpath. People watching. For her. Tom says

it's a nice place, Mum. Warm and clean and friendly and plenty to do. Except

that everything to do there ends up with dying and there are better places to do

that and better people to do it with.

She grips the sides of the seat with her hands and they are hot and sweating.

Jack said I don't want to leave you, Jess. Jess? And she took his head in her

hands and cradled him against her body. Rocked and rocked him, tender and gentle

for the last time and whispered to him and held him strong and tight while he

needed it and then let her tears wash down over her face and down over his.