Escape Into A Dream

Its like their eyes were tryin’ to burn holes into my skin. No talkin’, just starin’ waiting for my answer to that god awful question. Have you got any friends Mayella? Friends? How funny, please as if a Ewell could make friends in this god forsaken town. We were a burden to Maycomb, useless and dirty. No one liked us and no one wanted to be friends with us. The whole thing was almost laughable, cept I wasn't laughin’. Who does his man think he is, askin’ me if I got any friends- t ain't any o’ his business. I don't need any friends anyway, I got my Pa, and little brothers n sisters. I dont need anyone else, because no one else would so much as look at another Ewell other than a Ewell. To think that maybe I could be accepted by some these here town folk if didn't have my last name. Sometimes I wish thats what woulda happened. If by chance I grew up with a nice, clean, and happy family that maybe...maybe I coulda made a friend or two. We would do whatever friends do, I seen girls walkin’ side by side laughin’ and talkin’. But, I know that I could never have that, give people that trust in return for their acceptance. Those looks of pity, I get from the people in Maycomb is the closest thing I’ll ever get to affection.

I know what this here man is tryin’ to do. He’s tryin’ to distract me, throw me off, he wants me to slip up. I should be mad, angry that he would even dare ask me a question like this in front o’ all these people. But, I don’t feel mad, no what I’m feelin’ is’nt anger. Instead I get this empty feelin’ in the pit of my stomach, my hands loosen their tight hold on my dress. My chest aches, and I aint thinkin’ ‘bout bein’ angry anymore. No, I’m too distracted by this longing in my chest, its like my heart was cryin’...

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...’ve let others see what really goin on in my head. It has nothin to do with Atticus or Tom Robinson or the trial at all. No what they see is a lonely lil girl who is just waitin’ for someone to look at her and smile. For someone to ask, “How you doin today” for someone to ask her if she wanna come over for dinner. For someone to braid her hair and laugh with. What they saw was a girl who just wanted a friend. So I did what I do best. And I pulled up those metal walls. I captured all those emotions leavin’ the anger behind. I lift my chin and I do what I do best. I open my mouth and let that one emotion, anger, dominate everything else and I yell. Because it was so much easier to surround myself with this burning fire than to give into the empty longing. Then to acknowledge the fact that the one thing I want will always be just out of reach, a dream and nothing more.