Disney Princes Monologue

Once upon a time, in a far away land, there lived a beautiful girl who dreamed of finding her prince. Alas, real life is no fairytale. Here's why Disney princes...

So, this is love.

...would make terrible boyfriends.

My dad threw this party so I can meet a girl who is...

Emotionally independent.

...hot and rich, like us. So, will you marry me?

I think I left my straightener on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

What are you doing?

Oh, thank God. I thought you were dead.

Then why would you try to kiss me?

Oh, hold on. Don't change the subject. Who are these seven guys texting you?

They're just my roommates.

So now that we live together, we need to establish a few ground rules.

Actually, I'm a little hungry.

You are not allowed to step

Also, I'm gonna need to know where you are and what you are doing at all times, because sometimes I get lonely. Do this and I'll release your father from my basement.

You kidnapped my dad?

Nailed it.

Who are you talking to?

Excuse me miss, have you seen my girlfriend?

Eric, it's me.

Well, yeah, you look familiar, but... Wait, I follow you on Twitter, right?

You don't remember the crazy lady you stabbed with a boat for me?

I think I know what the love of my life looks like.

Even your dog knows it's me.

Let me get my dog back. Reina, where did you go?

Sorry babe, do you think you could spot me?

Again?

My parents just cut me off.

No, you need to get a job?

I got a job, my music. You woke up like that. You woke up like that, flawless.

Okay, you know what? Have fun making love to your mini-guitar.

It's a

A compulsive liar, someone who plunders.

Why are you singing?

I told you what you wanted to hear to get inside your cave of wonders.

My cave of what now?

The mansion we slept in was one that I crept in. The way that I get laid is through deceit.

Who are you people?

The car that we rode in was one that I stolen, but who needs a ride when you live on the street?

You're homeless?

That monkey you swear follows us everywhere is my one and only friend.

So, yeah, I've had the absolute worst luck with dating lately. What about you?

Well, this is a little awkward, I kinda thought you were a dude.

Excuse me?

Yeah, it's just from certain angles, and your hair's pulled back in these photos.

I have boobs.

Yeah, sorry. I guess I made a man out of you.

I have been looking everywhere for you.

You know what? I'm done with Disney princes. Being single never bothered me anyway.

And she lived happily ever after.

Why does this always keep happening to me?

Hey, how you doin'?

Ladies love it when you kidnap their fathers. I'm gonna build her a library, if you know what I mean. And by that I mean I'm going to actually build a library.

Seriously, who are you talking to?

I'm talking to