“The whole goddamn business of what you’re calling intimacy bugs the hell out of me. I never know what you women mean when you talk about it. Karen complains that I don’t talk to her, but it’s not talk she wants, it’s some other damn thing, only I don’t know what the hell it is!” This quote from a man interviewed by Lillian Rubin is the perfect example of the differences in communication between men and women. These differences in communication methods of women and men are born of a complex interaction between society and the individual. Men seem to struggle with intimacy and emotional expression, while women rely on this type of communication causing much struggle between the sexes.
Lillian Rubin suggests that intimacy, a form of communication between men and women, itself is an ambiguous or difficult term to define, but asserts that it does embody the idea of the ability to put away a public persona and be cared about or care for the “real person”. This alludes to a struggle between the human need for intimacy and that for independence suggested by other sociologists. In addition to this idea of intimacy, Rubin looks deeper into the human psyche and analyzes the different ways in which men and women communicate their emotions. Rubin explains that while women can easily explain what emotions they are feeling and what has caused these, men struggle to verbalize their feelings and this causes animosities between men and women. Women want men to communicate their emotions while men don’t understand why they should or how to go about doing this (Rubin, p. 384-386).
Rubin’s explanation for the differences in communication is that it stems from societal pressures that encourage men to suppress their emotions, and act “rationally”. Men are socialized to believe that acting emotionally like women is not normal. She states that “this is the single most dispiriting dilemma between women and men.” Finally Rubin goes on to suggest that while men can act out anger and frustration inside the family, the expression of fear, dependency, or sadness would expose vulnerability, and is difficult for men to do (Rubin p. 383-388).
Another Sociologist, Deborah Tannon, has done research in the differences between communication methods of women and men. She also suggests that conflicting ideas of intimacy and independence plays a critical role in the differing views of communication.
Deborah Tannen wrote “ Talk in the Intimate Relationship” to help people learn something about how men and women's interactions differ. She is a language scholar and has past experience of failed relationships and she feels as though this was because of lack of communication. Her main focus is on metamessages, these are messages that go beyond what we say. She states that the people that are literal minded, miss out on the context of what communication is. What this essay will consist of being what Tannen calls metamessages, summarizing her article on how men and woman talk, deciding whether Tannen is favorable to both genders and last but not least if I agree to an extent with Tannen says in her article.
In an attempt to analyze conversational differences between genders in her book, That’s Not What I Meant!, Deborah Tannen discusses many claims that may not hold true in all cases in current society. While I found that Tannen’s section on gendered socialization differences among children to be partly accurate, her claims about differing interests in conversation and acknowledgment of details in conversation between men and women are not necessarily true.
Petersen, J.C. (2007). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications
Deborah Tannen is the author of “Sex, Lies and Conversation: Why is it So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other”. Tannen is a linguist who researches the relationships between men and women. She has not only conducted research, but has information published in several books and essays about this topic. Her research includes talking with several of groups and collecting data on the behalf of their response. In her essay, “Sex, Lies and Conversation,”Tannen argues that complications arise in marriages and relationships because individuals are not able to communicate with members of the opposite sex.
David Grazian’s study builds on Quinn’s research on men and women's interactions and Grazian finds similar results as Quinn did in her study. In the study of Grazian the performance of both men and women was driven by both genders trying to prove that they are as the audience (society) says they should be. Society has men believing that all women want only one type of man, a masculine man and society has woman believing that men want women who are quite, pretty and live to make their man happy. Both parties in both studies have been fooled by society and they don’t realize or understand
... L., Andersen, P., & Afifi, W. (2011). Close encounters: Communication in relationships. (3 ed., pp. 322-330). Los Angeles: Sage Publications.
Deborah Tannen is the author of the book You Just Don't Understand where she analyzes the different meanings of communication between men and women. Her research shows that women and men use the same words and phrases and yet can interpret and react to those same words and phrases differently. Tannen compares the two sexes to find men use their conversation as a type of competition or to preserve their independence. For example, men talk about their knowledge regarding sports, cars, women, exc. Meanwhile, women try to foster intimacy through communication. For instance, women often talk and relate on a personal level. Throughout Tannen's book she uses "cross-cultural communication" to describe the differences between the language of men and women. Tannen observed that, "For males, conversation is the way you negotiate your status in the group and keep people from pushing you around; you use talk to preserve your independence. Females, on the other hand, use conversation to negotiate closeness and intimacy; talk is the essence of intimacy, so being best friends means sitting and talking. For boys, activities, doing things together, are central. Just sitting and talking is not an essential part of friendship. They're friends with the boys they do things with" (Tannen 95).
In her article “But What Do You Mean” Deborah Tannen, claims that there is a huge difference in the style of communicating between men and women. Tannen breaks these down into seven different categories; apologies, criticism, thank-yous, fighting, praise, complaints, and jokes. With each of these she compares men to women by explaining the common misconceptions that each of the genders do. The different style of communication can cause some problems at the workplace and even affect the environment. The different styles of communication has been around forever and almost becomes a “ritual”(299). Tannen is effective with mainly women and not men. She is primarily successful with women due to the fact that her tone targets women, also the organization
Do men and women effectively communicate in the same way, or is it just a conversation of misunderstanding? There is constantly a new interest in whether men and women converse successfully. Professor and journalist, Deborah Tannen writes, “Sex, Lies, and Conversation: Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other?” Tannen compares and contrasts all conversational styles, and explains how the expectation of dialogue affects how men and women converse. Tannen focuses on the subject of marriage and the imbalance of interest between male and female couples. The contrasting perspective however comes from, Deborah Cameron, author of, “What Language Barrier”. Cameron conveys that the stereotypes left upon male and female communication
We all have a certain way of communicating that seems evident and natural to us, so we can be shocked, frustrated, or even sadden when someone misinterprets us. Interacting with other people is part of our daily lives, yet men and women have different styles of communication and behavior. Some of the major differences between men and women are how they express emotion, affection or intimacy, and communication. Women tend to be more emotional and express more affection, whereas men are far less emotional and express less affection. Women regard intimacy as talking face-to-face; however, men regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Women tend to ask more questions when communicating while men ask fewer or no questions at all. These
...er emphasize this. The situation being described is oftentimes just one that the man’s side of the story is portrayed, by offering a perspective that displays that women are actually people and have feelings also, Behn is creating a perspective that is frequently ignored. By creating a companion text to John Wilmot’s The Imperfect Enjoyment, Behn is placing a spotlight one the fact that man is not the only one with feelings to be taken into consideration, there are always two sides to a story and both must be heeded instead of one being tossed aside.
In the introduction of Deborah Tannen’s “Conversation Style: Talking on the Job”, she compares and contrasts the ways men and women communicate. This reminds me of what I tell people that are struggling in their relationships. Women and men express themselves differently. Women think, but men act. If you can’t wrap your head around this, being in a relationship with anyone is going to be hard. Yet, this is such a basic way of looking at this issue. Not only are the genders vastly different, but each person relates to the world around them in a certain way. He or she also needs to be related to in a specific way. Looking at personalities and personal histories can give a better look at the way we communicate with each other. Tannen examines
...a meaningful communication to take place. In conclusion, there are differences between men and women that go beyond social nurture. These differences have their origin in their genes. The differences evident in men and women are translated in their behavior and communication. There are possibilities of these differences in their turn raising the problem of failing to understand one another because in a communication men and women have a different set of expectations from each other. It is essential to understand and appreciate these differences for a meaningful communication to take place.
Theiss, J.A., & Solomon, D.H. (2008). Parsing the mechanisms that increase relational intimacy: the effects of uncertainty amount, open communication about uncertainty, and the reduction of uncertainty. Human Communication Research, 34(4), 625-654. doi: 10.1111/j.1468-2958.2008.00335.x
Lieberman, Simma. “Better Communication between Men and Women in the Workplace: Some Useful Tips”. Retrieved on October 4, 2004 from http://hodu.com/business-communication.4.shtml