Chemistry

Twelve was a terrifying age for me. It was the year that everything became open to doubt. That year I questioned all subjects from God to gravity. My friends seemed unreliable so I ostracized myself, avoiding all intimacy and any semblance of amiability. I stopped listening in church because my Sunday-School lessons brought up more questions than I was capable of dealing with. Instead I concentrated on the two constants in my life, school and family. Education and love became the two pillars my world was balanced on.

I especially enjoyed Chemistry. I loved that laws governed the universe. I loved that Science knew that nuclei were made up of protons and neutrons, that electrons were negative, and that opposite forces attract. These facts were undoubtedly true. It was such a relief to go to class and be told how and why the world worked.

I was particularly fascinated by hydrogen. Though the smallest atom on the periodic table, hydrogen plays a key role in life on earth. Hydrogen holds just about everything together. It's so easy to take it for granted, but without it none of us would survive. Hydrogen bonds connect everything. When scientists draw out diagrams of molecules they don't even write out the hydrogen, they just make a little dash on the paper. It is so constant and so obviously there; they don't even worry about naming it. Hydrogen, the duck-tape of the universe, would always be there. How could I not love hydrogen? To a twelve-year-old girl it was more reliable than God.

When I was not studying, I was with my family. I talked with them, played with them and if I was feeling very safe, I might ask them one of the questions that constantly haunted me. But mostly I would just be with them, basking in their unquest...

... middle of paper ...

...t exists?"

"Yeah, how do we know it's not some big joke?"

"I've explained this before Jane. Hydrogen bonds hold us all together. Glucose would not be able to stick together without..."

"But how do we know that? How do we know we're held together by anything? What if we are all just kind of floating around?"

"Well if we had the right equipment I could show you..."

"But we don't do we? No one knows really, do they?"

"Jane," My teacher was becoming annoyed, "We've been over this. I am right in the middle of a lecture, and I don't have time for joking around. For everyone's sake and your own, I wish you'd just pretend to believe in hydrogen so we can get through this, OK?"

"Okay," I whispered. Under the cover of darkness, I buried my face in my arms so that my sweatshirt would hide my red eyes, and I took her advice. I've been pretending ever since.