Absolution from a Mother

1756 Words8 Pages
Mother, I am not looking for the absolution and undoubtedly I don’t deserve it in your eyes. Your eyes… always so full of concern; constantly accusing. The pressure you put on me and the pain it caused was unbearable. Everything you have done – you told me – you were doing for my own good. But you never realized I grew up did you? It’s not possible, it’s just wrong that you want to make all decisions for me: beginning with the extracurricular lessons, through carefully selected well mannered friends and even the damn shoes! You are dominating me at all times like I was just a puppet with no feelings and no knowledge. Ironically, I know more that you’d ever imagine, mother. I know you hated grandma. The envy in your eyes on every Boxing Day when she came with a visit, betrayed you no matter how hard you tried to hide it. I know you hated how I adored her and how she loved me – the way she never felt about you. Finally, I know that dad and you meant every word that was said that night; that night was the last strew. The hatred burning in your eyes, the obscene names shouted towards me, sickening disgust with myself and total misunderstanding from you – my omniscient mother. Why can’t you be more like Nan? Sweet and loving. You, mother are just a cold, emotionless legal guardian. I think, I have done you a big favour, escaping your desperate greedy clutches of your matriarchy and freeing both of us. You don’t love me. You never did… You’re always preaching how badly the drugs and alcohol can affect you. But pretending to be saint doesn’t work anymore, not on me, not on anyone else. Countless number of times I saw you having a drink late, after midnight when you though that no one could see you. You’re a hypocrite, mother. ... ... middle of paper ... ... don’t care if the thought of me is repulsive to you; if you think I’m just a worthless pile of filth…I love you. I love you. I need you. I don’t feel any shame; I’m not going to come appear on your doorstep one day and apologize. I do love you – but I have lost my faith to you, to this town. Now, it’s just me: underage runaway, with nowhere to go. A victim. I’m leaving this hurricane of misconceptions and lies behind where my dreams and desires make no difference. I can’t come back to the broken home I left weeks ago. The slave will never be the master – and I need my freedom. Mummy, I’m right here with you. Am I asphyxiating or just dreaming? Look how tiny I am. I fit just right in your arms and I feel the warmth of your embrace. I never leave you and never do anything to upset you. I wish you would just cradle me like this forever. I love you, always.
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