A foreigner within yourself

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“There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign,” I repeated to myself as I awoken. The haunting nightmare had been on repeat for the past 2 weeks. My shrink tells me it is because of my experiences as a child but I am struggling to come to terms with how I am meant to be handling it and why it was me that this happened to. Losing my mother when I was eight and having an abusive father, I was always feeling abandoned and alone. When my mother was here I was able to comfortably breathe in the place I once called home. Although I no longer live there, now days I refer to it as hell. When my mother was alive it could have been referred to as heaven as the softly spoken sound of her voice, and the light scent of her vanilla perfume was enough to make anyone feel safe and loved. After her death the smell of death and assault filled the air and if there was no human living there it could have passed for a graveyard. Her death was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced as not even a day later the mood of our house changed from a glowing star to a blunt, miserable rock. It was my father’s behavior that had the greatest change. Before my mothers death he barely spoke to me let alone hug or touch me, but after her death his behavior shifted from ignoring me to noticing my every move. It began with him touching me in ways that felt wrong. As a young child I was not to know this wasn’t right. He would assure me that every little girls fathers were permitted to touch their daughters as he did to me. It was the day he raped me I knew something wasn’t right but as a young child I did not know this was not right. There were days when I was bruised and unable to move so my father told the school I was suffering fro... ... middle of paper ... ...outside lead to my Vitamin D deficiency. My foster parents were concerned for my health and admitted me to the psychiatric hospital. I could tell it was harming them to leave me at an unfamiliar place but they felt it was the fair thing to do. They still regularly visited me and every time they would tell me how I glowed brighter then the most beautiful star. This helped to lift my spirit and encouraged me to continue with my weekly meetings. I became familiar with the hospital and it proved to be more comforting then I could have ever imagined. Although I was comfortable in the dimension outside of my body I still felt the feelings of emptiness and negativity towards myself. The nightmare of him locating me still sits at the back of my mind but I know that the security of the hospital will keep me same from him, but not from myself and my thoughts.

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