Yet here I am, sitting in a car on my way to Maryland, Monster in hand – The zero calories and zero sugar to be exact – to what would be my fourth funeral of my young twenty-six years, going to the funeral of my birth mother. But why am I afraid? Could it be because I have to say goodbye? No, that can’t be it. I didn’t even know her. Could it be because I didn’t know her? Would they want me to get on the stand and speak? I wouldn’t even know what to say. I took all of that into consideration when deciding if I should attend at all. But what kind of person would I be if I did not go to the funeral of my own mother? What kind of person was she to give up all five of her children immediately after birth? So I sit in the passenger seat of my neighbor’s car looking out of the windows as I’m on my way to bury my mother. Now is not the time to hold grudges, I guess.
Damn, who am I trying to fool? I don’t always have the best handle over my emotions and I’m afraid that I won’t feel anything. So much so that it will be blatantly obvious that I don’t in fact feel any emotion whatsoever. I guess I should do a better job at faking it before I get there. I am freaking terrified, however, I am still not exactly sure why. She can’t hurt me anymore. I wonder if she eve...
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...ng of the body; since I missed the first one on account that I was made late by my selfish bitch of an aunt, I could at least go up and look. I mean, it is the least that I could do. I traveled all of the way here, time to act like I care. Once it is my turn I put my hand up to my chest and act as if this is the most emotional moment of my life, when in reality this doesn’t even come close to the death of my mother –– my real mother as I like to call her. I’m not even sure why I was nervous to come here today, maybe because of all of the pain that most people in this room and the one laying in that casket, has caused me over the years; but this was far from the worst day of my life and far from the hardest funeral I’ve had to endure. The date of May 4, 2003 will forever hold that title. The day that I lost my real mother. The one that actually raised and cared for me.
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