You were the first person I told I was going to start therapy and you never judged me. No one knew besides my family, I didn 't want pity or want to be seen as vulnerable and weak. You never treated me any different, if anything I felt a stronger bond and trust of you.
Depression itself is a battle. I felt sad at all times and I didn 't know why or how to fix it. No one knew what I was going through because I tried my best to hide it. There was very few things that I enjoyed and Disneyland was one of them, that’s why I went almost every week. Ultimately though I slowly started alienating people. I didn 't have the motivation to keep up with friends or the self esteem to make new ones. I had separated myself from the world, I had become so overwhelmed, not just with depression and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, but with obsessional thinking. Depression isn’t just being a bit sad. It’s not wanting to be alive anymore. The thought of suicide crossed my head many times. Something I never spoke of because it 's not something you 're willing to share with anyone. You unknowingly talked me out of it. So many people have their lives taken away, even more trying to survive and here I was not wanting mine.
As you know by summer of last year is when things took a turn for the worst. Up to that point I had never experienced anything eve...
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... them happy, even if it does not include you. People are allowed to not want you in their life. As much as I 'd like to sit down and have a beer with you; someone that shaped my life so drastically, I don 't think that will happen. It was a blessing to have had your friendship during my darkest days.
Thank you for being a friend when I needed it the most. You were my brother my best friend. You were always there to listen with heartening advice. Your presence gave me relief when my world was chaos. I looked up to you and you inspired me countless times to keep pushing through. You believed in me when I didn 't believe in myself. I 'm remorseful for putting you through this. I 'm ashamed for my actions for all the vitriolic things I said. I 'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me. You saved a part of me Kev and I will always be grateful for that.
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