I Am a Writer

I Am a Writer

As a painfully shy and quiet third grader, I read my little, red, pocket-size dictionary at recess and snack times for fun. The big words fascinated me. Who came up with these words? How did they decide what they mean? How did you use the word idiosyncratic in a sentence and sound like you meant to use that word all along?

A tall and lanky sixth grader wrote about the life and function of algae, while everyone else wrote about the history of the telescope or about the difference between sharks and whales. With an attached vocabulary sheet proving I knew the meaning of the words used, I aced the paper and the teacher made me read it to the class. Though he was entirely impressed, my class fell asleep before page three. Though appearing geeky, I stood out and that was my intention.

Mr. B's dreaded term paper in the tenth grade made everyone drop a letter grade and a sense of sanity. I read Walden to discuss why Thoreau chose to live in his tiny shanty on the pond. That book was to shape my life someday, but I had no idea yet. Mr. B thought that the book and the topic might be a little too hard for me yet. I received and A+ while the two "smart kids" got a B and a C+. They had received nothing but As throughout school. Now I was a contender after all. Mr. B never granted As, never mind the coveted golden + that followed it. Suddenly, I had potential.

But then, I sat in my English class Senior year hunched over with a slight glaze over my eyes. I chose the regular section instead of honors figuring I just needed to do well enough, but that Honors English would be meaningless extra work because I would just need to take a couple English classes in college, and then it would finally be over. English class persisted every year since first grade. I knew how to construct an essay, and the beat iambic pentameter had, and what a gerund was. Enough! I wanted a break. The University of Massachusetts, Dartmouth and University of Southern Maine were calling to me. Actually, they simply had rolling admissions. Somehow all other deadlines had escaped me due to this intense fear of failure inside me. I prepared to enter the Army, just in case.