Barbaric and Cruel Children's Songs


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My sense of humor today was influensed by song song parodies that i sang as a child.
Wether I relied it or not, much of it was satirical. Satire is my most favorite form of comedy. Unfourdunatly, sometimes I would learn the words of the variation before the actual lyrics. When I was in second or third grade, during a christmas vespers servise, the church started to sing “Joy to the World.” I was very excited because I knew the song, I sang Jubilatly through the first verse, but then there was asecond verse that I had never heard before, I did however know another verse which went something like

Joy to the world
My teacher's Dead
We barbequed her heaad
We disembowed her body
And flushed it down the potty
And round and round it goes
And round and round it goes
And round and round and round it goes

My mother had a diffret opinion about how the song went and as a result we had a little chat about when it was aproprae to sing certain songs, and which songs there was never an approprate time to sing.

Another song in which was “never an approprate time to sing” was a version we three kings that made more sense tan the actual one. When I was in elementary school “orient are” sounded like one word, and I had no idea where Orientar was or which star the Yonder star was, basicly the whole song was jumbled words until my third grade class was sitting at the cafateria lunch tables, waiting for lunch and I heard an uproar of laughter at the bench across from me, and being a nosey third graded, as third graders are know to be, I absolutly had to know what they were laughing at. A little third grade boy had sung for his group of admirers the absluly most creaive, humrus thing that we hat ever heard in our entire lives or at least in the past five minutes, he sang for us a very soulful rendition of the once jibberish song about the kings from Orientare to a song where the kings smoked a “loaded rubber cigar” that exploded, who christmas could be so muchfun?

Little did I realise how closely related christmas was to school. For instance, rather than decking the halls with bows of holly, we could Deck the halls with gasoline and then light a match and watch it gleam.

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(those were the first two lines in case you’re a little slow, the rest of the lines are as follows:Now our school's burned down to ashes, and Aren't you glad you played with matches?)

Becase at that age school was a main part of our lives, the main subject of the song parodies had to do with school as well, often times poking fun at teachers. The first song of this nature that I learned was sung to the tune of row, row, row your boat.

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Throw your teacher overboard and
And listen to her scream
Five days later
She got eaten by a polar bear
Poor ol' polar bear died

Aparently teachers were so bad that the would kill polarbears if they ate a teacher. If rowing your boat wasn’t your thing thing there is an easier way. Bill Wellington of Radio oof taught this song to my brother and sister through a tpe and to the entire class of Spotswood Elementary School through a live performance exclusively for the children of the shenedoah valley. His version went like this

I'm Chiquita Banana
And I'm here to say
Get rid of your teacher
The easy way
You have a banana peel
And drop it on da floor
And watch your teacher
Go flying out de door

I still have Never heard the actual words to the Ciquita Banana Song, maybe such a song doesn’t exist. Bill Wellington was full choral comedy. One song that I’m sure drove my parentsmad, worse than the banana song, was based on the battle hymn choral. This song actualy had a plot, it was imitating what the teacher suposidly sang about in the teachers lounge.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the flunking of the kids
Who never did their homework and never worked a lick
They only whined and gave excuses in every thing they did
Our pens go marching on
glory glory hallelujah
Gee I'm really glad I knew ya
Holy moly what's it to ya
Our pens are marking on

Now we'll give this one an "F"
And we'll give this one a "D"
We'll give this one a failure
And we'll give this one a "C"
Bill we're going at it with a gruesome ghoulish glee
Are pens are marking on
glory glory hallelujah
Gee I'm really glad I know ya
Holy moly what's it to ya
Our pens are marking on

They threw rubber bands and spitballs
And they called us not nice names
Their behavior wasn't modified
By therapeutic games
And everybody really knows
The parents are to blame
Our pens are marking on

The Battle Hymn Choral was fairly popular for parodies, I only had the oppertunity to learn two versions. The second one that I learned was recited on the balcony of my parents balcony on summer evening after my friend, Annie, came back from girl scout camp. i’m not sure if these are the actual words but this is how I remember them to be.

Oh I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot
And I wear my flannel nighty in the winter when it's not
And sometimes in the spring
And sometimes in the fall
I jump between the covers with nothing on at all
glory glory hallelujah
Beastly breezes blowin through ya
Holy moly what's it to ya
With nothing on at all

Annie was full of songs from girl scout camp but she had pink eye and had to go home but she did remember one more. It was a song about underware to the tune of “God Bless America.” When I first heard it I didn’t know the tune of “God Bless America,” let alone the lyrics so this might be a little dstorted from the official Girl Scout “God Bless my Underware” song

God bless my underwear
My only pair
From the washer to the drier to my rear
God bless my underwear
My only pair

Parodies of Cristmas songs and patriotic songs are prufuse because mot of the common population knows them

This land is my land
It is not your land
I got a shotgun
And you ain't got one
If you don't get off
I'll blow your head off
This land is private property

In church one Sunday, the choir sang joyful joyful, and I was surprised
to here it had the same tune as a soong we often sang on car rides to my
grand parents house.

When you bought me my Nintendo
I thought you were really keen
Now that you have hidden it
Think that you are really mean
Just because I'm flunking math
And science that is no excuse
I have never heard of a more blatant case of child abuse

One time I was sight reading through a fiddle book I had just gotten and
I recoonized the tune was similar to the tune of a song I had learned
years before, I doon't remember the name oof the actual tune but I do
remember the words of the song

Oh there one was this radical kid
He was cool at all he did
He said, "Hey dude"
And was really rude
And he did 360s on his skateboard too
He wore cool surfer clothes
He had earrings in his nose
He talked in jive
And gave high fives
And he was cool where ever he goes
Oh this awesome dude is Gnarly Road Rash
He is a real flash
He makes a big splash
And while on his skateboard he is flying
All the girls are sighing
As the call his name "oh Gnarly Road Rash"

This was a popular song everytime we ate spaghetti

On top of spaghetti
All covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball
When somebody sneezed
It rolled off the table
And on to the floor
And then my poor meatball
Rolled out through the door
It rolled through a garden
And under a bush
And then my poor meatball
Was nothing but mush
So if you like spaghetti
All covered with cheese
Hold on to your meatball
When somebody sneeze

While I was taking violin lessons, one of the first songs that I learned
was Lightly Row. One night I played it for my grandpa over the telephone
and these were the words that he taught me, as far as I know they are
not the right ones

Baby bye, here's a fly
He I watching you and I
There he goes, on his toes
Tickling babies nose
I believe on those six legs
You and I could walk on eggs
There he goes, on his toes
Tickling baby's nose

There was a kid in my children's choir named Jared Stoltzfus and his
mom's name was Bonnie, we used to sing him this song to make him mad.

My body lies over the ocean
My body lies over the sea
My body lies over the ocean
So bring back my body to me
Bring back, bring back
Bring back my body to me
Bring back, bring back
Bring back my body to me

At kids b-day parties when yourparents forsed you to sing, this often
got laught, of at least a glare or two

Happy birthday to you
You live in a zoo
You look act like a monkey
And you eat like one too
Happy birthday to you
You live in a zoo
You look look like a skunk
And you smell like one too

I remember when I read the book Ramona Quimby and she knew the exact
song that I knew, it was a very special day.

Here comes the bride
Fair fat and wide
Where is the groom?
He's in the bathroom
Why is he there?
He lost his underwear
Singin' with the usher
The old toilet flusher

This was a soong that was a little more dangerous to sing because it
used the word "wiener," sometimes when our parents were around we would
substitute the word peter for wiener

I'm Popeye the sailor man (toot toot)
I live n a garbage can (toot toot)
I turned on the heater
And blew off my wiener
I'm Popeye the sailor man (toot toot)

My nextdoor nneighbor, Carrie, tought me this one, she explained to me
that this was a great song because, as everyone know, cat farts smell
the worst, and I belived her.

Jingle bells, cat fart smells
Twenty-four hours a day
blows there nose in Cherieos
And eats the right away
this is one I learned lateer but never liked as much
Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robiiin laid an egg
Batmobile lost a wheel
and Joker took ballet
When scholl was let out for Christmas or even on the play ground during
school we would skip around chanting songs of school being burned or
disembodied teaher heads
Joy to the world
My teacher's Dead
We barbequed her heaad
We disembowed her body
And flushed it down the potty
And round and round it goes
And round and round it goes
And round and round and round it goes
Deck the halls with gasoline
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Light a match and watch it gleam
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Now our school's burned down to ashes
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Aren't you glad you played with matches?
Fa la la la la, la la la la

This one I spesificaly remember being taught at the lunch table in
elementary school.

We three kings of Orient are
Tried to smoke a loaded cigar
It was loaded, and exploded
Following yonder star

This was sung to the same tune but was taught to me by my friend Annie
after retuning from Girl Scout camp while we were standing on the
balcony in my parents bed room Another song that she taught us was a glorious song about underwear, to this day I still don't know the actual lyrics to "God Bless America"
"This Land is Your Land" is another patriotic song that I learned the
actual lyrics after the parody In church one Sunday, the choir sang joyful joyful, and I was surprised to here it had the same tune as a song we often sang on car rides to my
grand parents house.

One time I was sight-reading through a fiddle book I had just gotten and
I recognized the tune was similar to the tune of a song I had learned
years before, I don't remember the name of the actual tune but I do
remember the words of the song This was a popular song every time we ate spaghetti
While I was taking violin lessons, one of the first songs that I learned
was Lightly Row. One night I played it for my grandpa over the telephone
and these were the words that he taught me, as far as I know they are
not the right ones There was a kid in my children's choir named Jared Stoltzfus and his
mom's name was Bonnie, we used to sing him this song to make him mad.

At kid's b-day parties when your parents forced you to sing, this often
got laugh, of at least a glare or two I remember when I read the book Ramona Quimby and she knew the exact song that I knew, it was a very special day.

This was a song that was a little more dangerous to sing because it used
the word "wiener," sometimes when our parents were around we would
substitute the word peter for wiener My next door neighbor, Carrie, taught me this one, she explained to me that this was a great song because, as everyone know, cat farts smell the worst, and I believed her.

This is one I learned later but never liked as much

I never actually knew the real words to the Chiquita banana song, this
is what I learned Often times on long bus ride we would make up lyrics to row row row your boat, the most common one was this one but there were many variations.

This song was imitating what the teachers probably sang in the teachers
lounge when no kids were around This was sung to the same tune but was taught to me by my friend Annie after retuning from Girl Scout camp while we were standing on the
balcony in my parents bed room Another song that she taught us was a glorious song about underwear, to this day I still don't know the actual lyrics to "God Bless America"
"This Land is Your Land" is another patriotic song that I learned the
actual lyrics after the parody In church one Sunday, the choir sang joyful joyful, and I was surprised to here it had the same tune as a song we often sang on car rides to my
grand parents house.

One time I was sight-reading through a fiddle book I had just gotten and
I recognized the tune was similar to the tune of a song I had learned
years before, I don't remember the name of the actual tune but I do
remember the words of the song This was a popular song every time we ate spaghetti
While I was taking violin lessons, one of the first songs that I learned
was Lightly Row. One night I played it for my grandpa over the telephone
and these were the words that he taught me, as far as I know they are
not the right ones There was a kid in my children's choir named Jared Stoltzfus and his
mom's name was Bonnie, we used to sing him this song to make him mad.

At kid's b-day parties when your parents forced you to sing, this often
got laugh, of at least a glare or two I remember when I read the book Ramona Quimby and she knew the exact song that I knew, it was a very special day.

This was a song that was a little more dangerous to sing because it used
the word "wiener," sometimes when our parents were around we would
substitute the word peter for wiener My next door neighbor, Carrie, taught me this one, she explained to me that this was a great song because, as everyone know, cat farts smell the worst, and I believed her.

This is one I learned later but never liked as much

I'm Chiquita Banana
And I'm here to say
Get rid of your teacher
The easy way
You have a banana peel
And drop it on da floor
And watch your teacher
Go flying out de door

Often times on long bus ride we would make up llyrrics to row roww row
your boat, the most common one was this one but there were many
variations.

row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Throw your teacher overboard and
And listen to her scream
Five days later
She got eaten by a polar bear
poor ol' polar bear died


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