Satirical Essay About Radical Environmentalists: Hardcore Environmental Greenies are Very Dangerous People

My wife drives a Nissan Altima that gets 32 miles a gallon and I motor around in a Maxima that faithfully achieves 28. My spouse and I habitually recycle our paper, glass and metal county trash and keep it all separate from our town-collected “other garbage.” We conscientiously maintain our property in a neat manner and keep our shrubs and bushes trimmed and our lawn well manicured. Like the plurality of Americans, we respect the environment and try our best to protect it.

A fairly funny joke goes something like this: “Yesterday it was so cold outside that I actually saw a liberal with his hand in his own pocket!”

I happen to believe that hardcore “Environmental Greenies” are very dangerous people. The fanatics invent crazy modern mythological terminology like “carbon footprint,” “alternative energy” and “global warming” and the overzealous charlatans expect to make the rest of civilization (including our easily impressionable and indoctrinated school children) feel guilty if we aren’t voluntarily and gullibly deceived by their creative frivolous terminology.

But it’s my sincere contention that the on-a-mission Greenie extremists (along with their suspect unproven theories) constitute a major threat to American civilization because their radical militant movement is counter-productive to our already fragile U.S. economy and their perverted liberty-threatening agenda is a direct detriment to U.S. national security.

For the purpose of clarity, let me explain my seemingly bizarre position on this contemporary issue. In truth, the more radical militant Greenies want to restrict your (and my) automotive mobility and limit your (and my) “fossil fuel freedom” in order to make you and me become more depende...

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...at of the tremendously thick layer of glacial ice.

Americans don’t have to fear the Greenies’ doomsday version of Global Warming nearly as much as they have to be wary of the prospect of Global Cooling.

Just imagine this rather frightening catastrophic rendition of events! A mile-high sheet of glacial ice again descends from the Arctic Circle onto the United States and soon every skyscraper in Seattle, Chicago and New York City is violently crushed and devastated during a 21st century three hundred and first cataclysmic ice invasion.

Don’t listen to these dangerous Greenie environmentalists that want to control our everyday lives at our own expense, thus endangering our own individual independence and national prosperity! Global Cooling is a much more formidable potential disaster than Global Warming (coastal flooding) will ever be!