The Bank's Problem

The Bank's Problem

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to

pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must

have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account

of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly

deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in

place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also

for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I

caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this

incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our

relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am

restructuring my affairs in 2001 taking as my model the procedures, attitudes

and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I

know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have noticed

that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I

try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,

prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be

automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and

confidentially to an employee of 5 your branch, whom you must nominate.You

will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act...

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...on to me. Let me repay

your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of

advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.

Inquiries from your Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my

time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the

matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My newphone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't

come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and

to thepoint.

Regrettably,but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee of 2%of my balance or $50 (whichever is more) to cover the

setting up of this newarrangement. May I wish you a happy, if

ever-so-slightly less prosperous, NewYear?

Your humble client,

Mr. Smith