Keeping My Walls Up

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There is a wall that I have built up in my life. I let very few people in, and I let even less information from myself out. I feel like I am protecting myself by hiding behind this wall. I realize that this wall inhibits me from furthering myself even in the slightest bit, but it’s not necessarily something that I have chosen. Things that have happened in my life made me the way I am today. A series of experiences largely caused by my homosexuality has led me to close myself off from other people. Instances that have happened within my family, school, and even my adult life that have just reaffirmed every wall that I have put up against those around me. I wish that I didn’t feel the necessity to do this, but as time has proven, I must guard that which I hold dear or it will be exploited.

For organization’s sake, I will start with the past and move to a more present time with my stories. In 5th grade I was just discovering my love of Britney Spears. I remember when I would dance to the constant ridicule of my siblings. They noticed that I was the only boy they ever knew that danced to Britney. Her music was generally classified as girls’ music, and obviously it was improper for me to be dancing to it. I had been jamming out to my Britney one day and my sister had some of her friends over. I may have been jamming out a bit too loudly, and so my sister decided that the privacy of my room needed to be invaded. She along with her cohorts broke into my room and made fun of me. My sister ended my embarrassment with this simple statement. “I can’t wait until Mom and Dad find out you are gay.”

Imagine being in fifth grade when your hormones are just beginning to kick in. You begin forming opinions, developing taste in music, and notice t...

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...elf is that I have received verbal abuse. Instead I write this as a way to inform you about myself and possibly others who react the same way. Because of the way things happened in my life, I find it safer to hide behind a wall than to make myself vulnerable. I yearn to change my instincts and become a more trusting and true person, but change must be coming from both ends. As I try to lower my walls others must learn to accept me the way that I am. Every time I have tried to lower my walls, something has happened to make me doubt the possibility of change. I fear that I will have to live my entire life with this reserve of myself, but with the help of others I can change that. The best thing we can do as a species is help each other grow. I will play my part to expand the minds of those who disagree with me, so long as they are willing to change themselves as well.

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