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The transitions of children going through divorce
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Review of The Smart Stepfamily: 7 Steps to a Healthy Family
Summary
Within his book The Smart Stepfamily: 7 Steps to a Healthy Family, Ron Deal (2014) presents a realistic approach to strengthening stepfamilies through focusing on each individual family member’s needs. Real-world scenarios along with integrating family therapy and biblical truth are used in exploring the many issues that stepfamilies resolve. The crux of Deal’s advice is the need to modify expectations from forming a rapidly blended family to integrating a slow-cooked approach that allows for the time and the coarse hardships that are experienced in developing a healthy stepfamily relationships. According to Deal, the challenges to integrating this new family come as each
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While this invitation produced anxiety for every person that attended this meal, the toll that it took on my nephew was rather difficult to watch. His father chose to attend the day before Thanksgiving; but a half-hour before the scheduled 2 p.m. time for dinner, he let his son know that his girlfriend and her children had decided to come as well. While the adults scrambled to add additional seating, my nephew excitedly stood outside on the porch anticipating his guests’ arrival. An hour later, this little boy dejectedly wondered whether his father had changed his mind. When his guests finally arrived, we all ate an awkward, cold dinner, and my ex-brother-in-law whisked them all (including my nephew) away to his family’s Thanksgiving meal, which meant that my disappointed nephew never got to share the chocolate pie that he had helped make.
In this text, Deal (2014) explains that “one of the great ironies of divorce” (p. 130) is the need to cooperate with the ex-spouse, even if you hated him before the divorce. My family shows the complexity that divorce can bring to a family’s life, and the adults need to constantly monitor their own attitudes for the sake of the children. Deal encourages building communication and flexibility; however, his reminder to accept that neither co-parent can control the other’s household decision is one of
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His use of this analogy throughout the book allows the reader to think through the different concepts from the low heat and chunky ingredients that can create a healthy meal over time. Although this concept is quite valuable, the time that it takes to establish this slow cooked family seems like such a difficult road, and the thought that came to my mind throughout my reading was wondering whether remarriage is advisable. This blanket statement seems overly harsh; however, the many stresses that remarriage brings to each family member make this decision difficult. While Deal presents this book as a guide to forming healthy stepfamilies, even the biblical accounts Deal uses throughout his text demonstrate the further hardships that blended families’ experience. His journey to the Promised Land analogy provides a good basis for his advice and the hope for redemption of this new family, but I must still question the wisdom in many decisions to remarry, especially when young children are
In this millennial it is very common to see a divided family. People get married, discover their differences and often divorce. Yet, with divorce comes many decisions and often a messy outcome. While this may take a toll on a family, remarriage is another issue of it’s own. “Step parents” is what they call them; although no one is quit sure what the word “step” truly insinuates. The sacristy of a marriage and the bond of a family is metaphorically protected by the beamed structure of a home. It isn’t until you read “Stepdaughters” by Max Apple that you catch a glimpse of the interior complications and obstacles, divorced families often face. The author seamlessly paints the very common mother and teenage daughter tension many families endure. Yet, the story is uniquely told by “stepfather number three trying to stay on the sideline” (132). The author focuses on a few issues that a family (divorced or not) may face: overbearing control, lack of trust, and unwanted change. He does this, by use of temporal setting – the dreaded teenage years – and situation – the exhausted disagreement between the mother and daughter.
Conflicts within relationships are inevitable and some conflict can help strengthen a relationship; however, in marriages and families, many people fail to work through their conflict, which results in unhealthy patterns of behavior. Over time, if left unresolved, these patterns of behavior can lead to a breaking of the relationship. Furthermore, most people do not set out seeking conflict within relationships, but rather they lack the emotional maturity to move through conflict. In fact, it is not the differences between the two parties that create the conflict, but rather the emotional reaction to their differences. Therefore, an intervention is required to begin the healing process of working through conflict. Often a pastor or counselor
Now, the number of ex-stepfamilies is increase so fast. Gootman (2012) focuses on those families or blended families who have gone through a divorce. She had done several interviews with people who stay in stepfamily to find out the answer for question “How do they deal with ex-stepfamilies?” The interview results shows that most people do not keep closed relationship with their ex-stepfamily member. Another survey result by the Pew Research Center shows that the second marriages have higher divorce rate than the first marriage (Ch 13, P415). Some of them broken their new relationship because their partner’s ex-steps. In the college students opinion, some of them never thinking let their stepparent be part of family; some of them considered let their stepparents to be...
Structural Family Therapy offers a framework that provides order and meaning within the family connections (Nichols, 2013). Divorce for a family is considered a significant transition for all parties involved. When counseling a family going through divorce the structural family therapist’s job is to build an alliance with the family and obtain information about the structure. The structure of the family consists of the roles, interactions, organization, and hierarchy. Family therapy yields the belief that changing the organization of the family leads to change in the individual members. The structural family therapist often will try to become part of the family to gain a perspective of their issues as whole so not to place the focus on one individual. Joining is an empathetic approach in helping families explain and break down their individual stories without uncomfortable challenge or unnecessary confrontation (Nichols, 2013). It is important to note that family dysfunction that often leads to divorce is not attributed to one individual, but the entire family system. In structural family therapy, part of dealing with the issue of divorce in the family is to focus on the interactions between all the family members both positive and negative. Through these interactions the therapist can discover where the conflicts arise, which will in turn help the therapist understand how these negative interaction affect the family. Family therapy in these cases allows for repair of long-standing interactional patterns in which divorce is just one of a series of ongoing transactions that are disruptive to the child’s development (Kaplan, 1977, p.75). The structural family therapist often has the family play out these family interactions via enactments so that he can get a firsthand look at maladaptive patterns, roles, and
It’s not easy to build an ideal family. In the article “The American Family” by Stephanie Coontz, she argued that during this century families succeed more when they discuss problems openly, and when social institutions are flexible in meeting families’ needs. When women have more choices to make their own decisions. She also argued that to have an ideal family women can expect a lot from men especially when it comes to his involvement in the house. Raymond Carver, the author of “Where He Was: Memories of My Father”, argued how his upbringing and lack of social institutions prevented him from building an ideal family. He showed the readers that his mother hide all the problems instead of solving them. She also didn’t have any choice but to stay with his drunk father, who was barely involved in the house. Carvers’ memoir is relevant to Coontz argument about what is needed to have an ideal family.
Divorce should be harder to obtain due to the effect that it has on children the main effect it has on the children is depression. “ In the short term divorce is always troublesome for children Mavis Hetherington videotaped and scrutinized the workings of 1400 divorced families since the early 1970’s. Hetherington pinpoints a crisis period of about two years in the immediate aftermath of separation when the adults, preoccupied with their own lives, typically takes their eye off parenting just when their children are reeling from loss and feeling bewildered” (Hethrington 2). This article states that the short term effect of divorce affects the kid deep because they feel that they lost one forever and in those 1400 many of the kids felt the effect of the divorce. “Wallerstein has told us that divorce abruptly ends kids’ childhood, filling it with loneliness and worry about their parents, and hurting them prematurely and recklessly into adolescence. (Wallerstein 2).” This later affects the kids life because they try to think of happy memories they had but really all they can think about is the parent that they loss due to the divorce. “Contrary to the popular perceptions, the alternative to most divorces is not life in a war zone. Though more than 50 percent of all marriages currently end in divorce, experts tell us that only about 15 percent of all unions involve high levels of conflict. In the vast number of divorces, then, there is no gross strife or violence that could warp a youngster’s childhood. The majority of marital break-ups are driven by a quest for greener grass—and in these cases the children will almost always be worse off. (Zinsmeister 2)” this proves to me that when people get a divorce they most of the time don’t ...
I have chosen to use an article from The Huffington Post called How Stepmoms Can Cope With ‘Biological Jealousy’. This is a meaningful article that is intended to explain the struggles that stepmoms and their stepchildren often face. It is noted that the main struggle of the relationship between a step parent and their step children is “Biological Jealousy”. Often the step parent tries to replace or become the primary Parent. The article provides solutions for increasing the moral and creating a stronger bond between children and their step parent.
Girgis, George, & Anderson (2011) define marriage as the union of a man and a woman who make a permanent and exclusive commitment to each other of the type that is naturally (inherently) fulfilled by bearing and rearing children together. These marriages are intended to last eternity and are partially accomplished by raising children together, yet four of every ten marriages lead to divorce and of these divorces, 35% involve children (Ambert, 2009). Children tend to blame themselves for the divorce and are usually caught in the crossfire. These divorces lead to both stress and depression for children and without a strong sense of family, children will have a huge disadvantage over children with a stable healthy family (Arreola, Hartounian, Kurges, Maultasch, & Retana, 2013). Without the ability to cope with the stress of a divorce, children can be effected in multiple ways including a change in mentality, unacceptable behavioural traits and both short and long term emotional factors that will ultimately lead to a critical issue in child development.
There is a tremendous gap in the information that is put out on stepfamilies and the way they live. There are countless studies done every year on how the stepparents handle situations and how the stepparents deals with discipline or even how to discipline. Every where you look there is help for the struggling stepparent. Now, that is a good thing, the abundance of help available. But the bad thing about all that help is it did not cover the children’s point of view. Nearly all the studies done do not include children in the research. That is the major flaw in all the help books and programs for stepparents. With the rise of stepfamilies, there needs to be more help offered that takes the child perspective into account. That perspective will be the focus of this study. The intent will be to get a better understanding of how children living in stepfamilies households define their family and how they perceive their relationships with other household members.
As century pass by generation also pass their traditional values to the next generation. some people still think the way their ancestors thought and believe in what they believed in. During the beginning of 1890 people couldn’t have premarital sex, women had to be the caretaker while men was the breadwinner. during this century those perspective have changed argued Stephanie Coontz the author of “The American Family”. Coontz believe women should have more freedom and there should be gender equality. Robert Kuttner, the author of “The Politics of Family” also believe that women should not be only the caretaker but whatever they want as a career. Robert Kuttner 's text does support Stephanie Coontz’ arguments about the issues related to traditional
Eric also complains about feeling reject and distant within the family unit. While interactional patterns are meant to solve problems within the relationship often it makes the problems worse. Step-parenting are often viewed by both families and communities as outsiders (Sweeney, 2010) resulting in complexity establishing positive step-child relationships (Ceballo et al.,
A stepfamily occurs when parent’s divorce and later remarry bringing children from the previous marriage together to form a new family. In the twenty-first century, a stepchild is considered part of the immediate familial household when the biological parent is detached from the child but the stepparent is available. This is one type of non-traditional family. While they may not be traditional they can be equally supportive and caring. Multigenerational families are a group of relatives that live together and share in the household chores. Many families are now opting to move senior parents into their own homes instead of a retirement community because the bonds that have been generated throughout life help the seniors state of mind. A complex family has three or more adults living in the same household plus their children. This can happen through divorce and remarriage and through polygamy in countries where polygamy is legal. Adults that for various reasons cannot have children bring a child into their home to love and care for or one parent can legally adopt the biological child of the other parent. This is considered an adopted family and while there may be no blood relation it still has legal viability. Fosterage is also a branch of adoption where a family will temporarily bring another child into their home until more permanent
The statistics for divorce in America are alarming. As of 2013, forty-three percent of all marriages end in divorce. (Trudi Strain Trueit) Of that percentage, only twelve percent went through a friendly and easy divorce. (Trudi Strain Trueit) Research shows that more than twenty percent of people have parents who argue excessively prior to their divorce. (Trudi Strain Trueit) Sometimes, the split helps calm these tensions, but statistics show that most couples who separate, will get divorced. Other times, the fighting continues after the divorce, with children getting caught in the middle. Studies show that the divorce rate among couples with children is forty percent lower than couples without children. (Miller)
In the world we live in today, divorce has unfortunately become a normal thing in our lives. Many married couples are getting divorced for many reasons; problems in the marriage, either a spouse having an affair, a loss of feelings, and many other types of complications. Many divorces involve children who are young and due to their age do not understand what is really going on. We all know someone who has dealt with divorce. Children are the ones who are typically affected the most by the divorce and they will have to learn to cope with their parent’s divorce at such a young age, affecting them in positive or negative ways.
According to Genesis 1:26, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness.” In essence, this book is more focused on how God expects us, as individuals to follow in is foot step and adapt his attributes. The book ‘Principles and values for a successful family” written by Ellen G. White, it highlights certain principles, morals and values that aids in upholding a stable marriage and family. It is use as a means of helping individuals prevent marital and family conflicts throughout their life in case they arise. It portrays certain variables that each family member of a sub-system within a family should understand and respect aspects of an individual and understand that each individual is unique, they serves a purpose and their wishes should be respected. In different aspects of the book it highlights what it takes in being a successful family and how it can impact them. It demonstrates the foundation of progress, the leader influence the family and the family on a whole influence the society. So what we do and partake in as a family that will be the outcome of society whether it be negative